Safety Rope Gets In Shape

ice

2009-08-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

dicosmo's

2009-08-18T11:44:00.001-07:00

dicosmos

2009-08-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

DiCoseeemo's

2009-08-11T08:55:00.001-07:00

SpaceBit part 0.02 of 57 billion

2009-08-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

At around three a.m., Miffy was awoken by a loud knock at the door. She had fallen asleep on the couch again and the television was on pretty loud. Her neighbor, Bull, did not approve of this. He tended to be a very light sleeper. It didn't help that the apartment building was not really intended for multiple apartments on each floor. But the previous landlord decided to cut each apartment in half to make one into two. As a result, you could hear just about everything going on next door. So Bull heard a lot of late night infomercials coming through the wall.

Miffy opened the door and Bull let her have it. "What the fuck, Miffy?! Turn that shit down." Bull always cursed when he was mad. He even cursed when he was not mad. Miffy apologized, said it would NEVER happen again and closed the door. She gave Bull the finger through the closed door and giggled. One day she would give Bull the finger when she was not safe behind a door or a wall. But not tonight. She turned off the television and picked up the empty beer bottles. She threw the beer bottles into the trash and went to go lay down on her bed. On her bed she remembered her phone conversation and the interview that she scheduled. "I better go mark that on the calendar", so she walked back into the tv room. Once in the tv room, she realized she did not own a calendar and that she was also pretty drunk. "I wonder what is on Animal Planet" Miffy thought as she turned on the television. Next door Bull smashed his fist into his pillow.

SpaceBit part 0.01 of 57 billion

2009-08-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

Miffy had an average life. She held a job that she did not enjoy and she was extremely overqualified for. Occasionally she would spend an hour or two of her work week looking through internet pages, hoping to find a job that she would enjoy more than the one she currently had. She also wished that she would do something other than schedule meetings for people who were way too busy to do such a thing. When she found a job she liked, she would email it to herself with a little note that said "Apply for this job, k?" Over the eight years that she had been working at her job, Storm Fence, Inc., she had accumulated thousands of job opportunities in her email. When asked how many of these jobs she applied to, she would say "Oh probably three or four". The correct answer was one. She applied for only one job in her eight years as Administrative Assistant at SF, I. That job: Astronaut Trainer. Location: Houston, Texas. You would think that if Miffy applied for this job in 2004 and never heard a response that there was a good chance that she was not even considered for the job. That's a fair thing to think, but if you did in fact think that, unfortunately you are wrong.

One day last week (Tuesday), Miffy was on her usual walk home from work. She had just went to the pet store and looked to see if they had gotten any new snakes. Unfortunately there were no new snakes. Miffy was on a waiting list for a snake, but she was not hopeful because snakes were in high demand in her town. And the pet store workers always said that she was pretty low on the list. Whenever Miffy asked to see the list, the workers said they were not authorized to show it. "Sorry Miffy. Can't do that". It was a strange rule that the pet store had. If Miffy knew the truth, Donald, the pet store owner hated snakes. They creeped him out. So he just kept compiling names on the list and he went on his way ordering more puppies and more kittens. This potentially could be important later on. But for now, it is just a sidebar.

When Miffy left the pet store her cell phone rang. She didn't hear it at first because she was still fuming over the lack of snakes. She considered changing her daily routine and checking out the pet store across town to see if they had any. When she did eventually answer the phone, she was shocked at the conversation that transpired:

Voice: Is Miffy Qualk available?

Miffy: She is available

Voice: May I speak to her, please?

Miffy: You are speaking to her? DO YOU HAVE SNAKES?!!!!

Voice: Ms. Qualk, did you apply for the post of Astronaut Trainer?

Miffy: Huh? Possibly. Who is this?

Voice: My name is Henster McDavis and I am a Human Resources agent for SpaceBit. We have reviewed your resume and application and we would like to go forward and schedule an interview. Would you be able to meet with us sometime next week?

Miffy: I remember SpaceBit. You realize I applied for that job like four or five years ago.

Voice: We are aware of this. We apologize for the delay, but there was an incident that resulted in a hold of SpaceBit operations.

Miffy: Oh yeah? Well, I would love to come down to Houston for an interview. I am kind of hurting on cash though and I'm not sure I can afford a flight on such short notice.

Voice: Not a problem Ms. Qualk. We will be coming to you. Would next Wednesday work? We can set up an interview at the Sheraton on Forest Drive for 7PM.

Miffy: Wow, yes, I would be able to make that. But you know, I kind of filled that application out as a joke. I know next to nothing about space and I really am not interested in another admin job.

Voice: Yes, we Ms. Qualk. What sets SpaceBit apart from other astronaut companies is that we tend to do things a little bit differently. Instead of hiring people and putting them in positions that they are overqualified for, we like to hire people and put them in jobs they have no business doing. And currently we are in desparate need for a couple of new astronaut trainers. The interview will be short and if you are not interested, you can just say so.

Miffy: Well, why not?! I have very little else going on right now. I am looking forward to the interview next wednesday.

Voice: Excellent. See you then.

Miffy hung up the phone, and walked home. By the time she got home, she forgot about the phone call. While Miffy is very intelligent, she has a terrible memory. She walked into the door of her studio apartment, threw her bag on the couch and opened the fridge to grab a beer. After she got her beer, she joined her bag on the couch and turned on the television.

TOmas

2009-07-24T11:41:00.001-07:00

http://wherearewegoingcamel.wordpress.com

happy birthday

2009-07-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

Harry Putter

2009-07-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

Interview With Badwater 135 Legend and Ultrarunner Pam Reed | Active.com

2009-07-24T05:16:00.001-07:00

Interview With Badwater 135 Legend and Ultrarunner Pam Reed | Active.com

Shared via AddThis

Save the Date

2009-07-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

Harry Allipotter Gar

2009-07-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

DiCosmo's

2009-07-21T12:29:00.001-07:00

Adam Morrison

2009-07-20T12:21:00.001-07:00

email to apple

2009-07-17T11:48:00.001-07:00

Hello,
I am writing to tell you that Andy and I are real excited that he will soon be the proud owner of an iPhone 3Gs. Everyday when I talk to him online I ask if he got it yet, and everyday he tells me not yet, but soon. It is real exciting and we both just can't wait. In anticipation of the big event, I designed a flyer on my computer's paint program. I wanted to send it to you as an attachment, but unfortunately I don't see where I can upload pics. Instead I will try my best to describe it. I did a Google image search of "Thunderbird" and was happy to find an old black and white photo of a professor in a lab. Behind this professor is a giant black bird. It is seriously huge...I'd say it is about the size of 8 professors across and 3 professors high. To commemorate Andy's getting an iPhone 3GS, I wrote on this giant black bird in red letters tge following:

Andy gets an iPhone 3GS
July 2009
wuz here

As you can probably imagine, it is a really great flyer. I'll be sure to let you know when Andy gets the phone. He said I'm allowed to call my cell phone a few times to test it out.
If you need any help with marketing ideas, please free to send a bell.
Thx,
Todd

Andy gets an iPhone

2009-07-17T11:25:00.000-07:00

DiCosmo's

2009-07-16T12:00:00.001-07:00

Harry Otter

2009-07-16T11:42:00.001-07:00

Text of the week

2009-06-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

From Wooter:

"Shati kic"

I responded with:

"Huh?"

And he clarified by saying:

"shaq to knicks"

to which I responded:

"really?"

and I do not think he ever replied.

I would not approve of a Shaq to the Knicks move (aka Shati kic), but I guess it could be considered a possibility. Although I am pretty sure current Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni was fired in Phoenix because of his inability to figure how to include Shaq into his offensive philosophy.

Oh yeah, I have been posting pictures on Tumblr. It's important. Here is the link:

http://safetyrope.tumblr.com/

Click on that. It will work eventually (or you can just copy and paste). I would make that link click-friendly, but I'm feeling a little bit unfriendly, and this feeling should be reflected in my links. I enjoy consistency.

In other news, I bought a new car. Here is a picture of it:

It's real nice so far. It is the newest car I have ever owned. The other cars I have owned have always been hand-me downs that do not last more than 2 years. Here is a sample of my previous cars:

Ok, happy traveling!

Adam Morrison Part 2!

2009-06-15T09:53:00.001-07:00

Adam Morrison

2009-06-15T09:25:00.001-07:00

Although I hate the Lakers, I am happy that Adam Morrison was able to participate in the post-Championship win party. Adam Morrison is my favorite NBA player even though the team did not want him to play and had him dress in street clothes for most of the playoffs. I'm not sure if he will even get a championship ring, but that's not important now.

Lost on Planet China by J. Maarten Troost

2009-06-12T05:41:00.000-07:00

Lost on Planet China is the third J. Maarten Troost book I read this year. He is probably one of the few readable travel writers out there today. His first book, The Sex Lives of Cannibals was super dope, while Smoking with the Savages was only mediocre dope. Lost on Planet China falls neatly in between, with a rating of really good dope.

Lost on Planet China is a book that chronicles Troost's time in China. Obviously. If you want to learn a lot about China, you probably should read something else, such as the Wikipedia entry on China. If you want to learn a little bit about China, this book works. Really well. And you will laugh too!

Recommended for: People who like China.

Netflix Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Putin

2009-06-12T04:46:00.000-07:00

Inaugural Kurpelathon

2009-06-09T10:29:00.001-07:00

For those of you who do not know, this past weekend (June 5-7) was a special weekend as it was the very first ever Kurpelathon. For those of you do not know, a Kurpelathon is a series of three consecutive races. In order to win, you must compete in all three races. Whoever has the fastest combined time wins! The catch: I forget to mention what three races need to be run! As a result, there was only one participant in the inaugural Kurpelathon; ME! Needless to say, I came in first place. Unfortunately in this case, first place is the first loser.

The races:

Friday June 5th: Run the Monk 5K, in Springfield PA

This race was run because Victory Brewing Company sponsored it. It was a pretty flat and boring course in a neighborhood in Springfield, PA. The race was won by a guy who wore a pickle costume I think, although I am not sure as I did not see him finish. I like drinking Victory beer though, so if they decide to sponsor it next year, I will run it again.

Netflix rating: 3 out of 5 stars.

Saturday June 6th: Badges of Courage (?) 5K in Philadelphia

This race was run because I thought it'd be fun to run around the stadiums. In addition, the cause was pretty great as it was a benefit for cops who died while working or something like that. Raising money for the families seemed like a good thing to do. About 1200 people showed up and ran I think. I beat a good portion of them. But a good portion of them also beat me...including someone who ran by me, recognized my run the monk t-shirt and said wow, i ran that race too! I couldn't believe it. Is it possible that I would be beat in my own event?! We shall soon find out (unless you read the intro, then you already know I won). Overall, this race was also pretty boring and flat. It's a lap around Citizen's Bank and then a lap around FDR park. Fun enough though. I hope they change the course next year to have the finish line on the Eagles' football field. That would be fun to sprint the last 100 yards and then pretend to score a touchdown. I'll email the jokers in charge

I would run this one again.

Netflix Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Sunday June 7th: Run the gates (5 mile) in Levittown.

This was my favorite of the races, as it was the longest and the sunniest. The course itself was pretty boring, 5 miles around two neighborhoods, but it was fun. There were some hills this time which was dope, and some families came out to watch with their hoses. When ever I saw someone holding a hose, I sprinted at them telling them they could spray me with the hose. WOW! That's great, Todd. The picture above is from the woods in the park where the start/finish was. The creek wasn't really that nice. The only reason I was in the woods was because the line for the Port-a-Johnny's was way too long. ;)

Netflix rating: 4 out of 5 stars but I do not feel the need to run this one again.

Namaste!

The mysterious guy from race #1 and #2 was not present at race #3, so I was the unanimous winner!

PANGOLIN SAY WHAT!

WWLBTPLRD?

2009-06-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know that we inherited a fourth cat. This cat was dropped off at our house with the name of Dieter aka Dieter the Cat aka Ghostface Killah aka GFKC aka Jerek Dieter. The three house regular cats are not quite impressed with the new addition, so there has to be a buffer period, which results in GFKC spends his days in the library, while the other three are sectioned off in the spa.

When we let the cats hang out, Scamp (1/2 of the original duo) is the only one who is sort of letting GFKC in without going through a hazing period. Scamp more or less could care less as long as he has food and also if he has a human (who can give him food) in his sight. He also appreciates staring at a good bird through the window. Pickles (the other 1/2 of the original duo) is on a high dosage of medication, so she is not by any stretch of the imagination, right. She treats the new friend as if she was an Iraqi suicide bomber and the new cat is a Western soldier. She will lash out against the new cat. She will also lash out at the other 2 (of the 3 regulars), not unlike the actions of an angry terrorist who will take everyone out with herself. If this violence occurs, a shake of the coffee can filled with change will bring peace and order to the situation. Which is my view on how peace can be achieved in the Middle East. Shake coffee cans really loud.

Finally, Little Dude (the newest addition to the regular 3) wants nothing to do with GFKC. He hisses from afar. When you get close he skitters away.

What would Ladybug the pacifist labrador retriever do?

WWLTPLRD?

Probably nothing

5K Triple Crown

2009-05-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Keith was mad at my last blog about Kobe Bryant. He said my blog should only be about running, and not about great but hateable NBA stars. He might have a point. Why blog about Kobe Bryant when I could be spending valuable time blogging about myself?!

So in running news, I ran everyday this week. Fast somedays and slow the other days. Wednesday I ran a long distance and yesterday I made up an injury so I did not have to run a long distance. (side bar: My coworker just stated "It might be raining someplace else.") I feel bad for making up injuries, but I could have sworn my leg snapped off and I had to hop to the train.

I thought about endangered animals this week when I ran. I think about endangered animals a lot. For a good website on endangered mammals and amphibians, please go to http://www.edgeofexistence.org/. It is a pretty radical site. I am not sure what site to go to if you are into endangered birds and reptiles. I am not currently into birds or reptiles, so I will not be able to post a link for you at this time. My tastes in endangered animals do change daily, so I will be sure to post a new site when I come across it.

Finally, I am doing a triple crown of 5K's next weekend. Friday night is some Victory Brewing Company sponsored (or possibly not sponsored, but they'll be there) 5K in Springfield, PA that I will probably not win. Saturday morning is some 5K down near the stadiums that is a benefit for dead cops and firefighters that will probably be obnoxiously crowded...I expect I will come in third place. Sunday has not yet been determined yet, but I think I saw a 4 or 5 mile race in Bucks County somewhere. I guess I probably should sign up so I can get a free t-shirt.

Kobe Bryant Doin' Work

2009-05-28T10:07:00.001-07:00

This Spike Lee Joint is a documentary that follows Kobe Bryant throughout the course of one regular season NBA game. As a viewer you get to hear Kobe Bryant interact with teammates, coaches, opponents (in this case the San Antonio Spurs), and referees. In addition, there is a Kobe Bryant/Spike Lee voiceover that was laid down months after the game. I liked the fact that it was not a traditional documentary, but the fact that it was a subpar Kobe performance (lots of slo-mo shots of Kobe shooting bricks) and it was a subpar regular season game (Manu Ginobili wasn't even playing), made this film pretty unexciting to watch. In addition, I feel that it is possible that Kobe was playing to the cameras a little bit. This could have been avoided if Spike Lee was able to follow Kobe over the course of a few games. I would have preferred to see Kobe in a playoff game, where it appears he verbally tears his teammates apart or in a more competitive regular season game. Hopefully Spike Lee will try this again with a different player...perhaps Ron Artest.

Enulose

2009-05-21T11:46:00.001-07:00

It was too nice not to go out for a big run during lunch. I had to get my cat some enulose (see picture above) because her car is in the shop. At least that is what we tell her. I did not feel like riding the shitty trolley on such an unshitty day.

During the run I passed by the First Unitarian Church, which is one of two or three reasons why I decided to move to Philadelphia in 2004. I don't go to shows now because music sort of stopped progressing around 2004, but it was fun when I was into it. After getting the enulose, I did a couple of laps around Rittenhouse Square, stopping twice to take pictures of tall buildings. One of these tall buildings is The Rittenhouse hotel, which is where I had my first Philadelphian job. I only held this job for one day, because, while I didn't think that being a bellman was degrading, I had very little interest in being a bellman's shadow for more than two hours. It is a shame, because The Rittenhouse is the preferred hotel of the only celebs I would like to meet: the Detroit Pistons and Oprah Winfrey.

Oh well!

BBC pic probably needs to be posted:

Drink of the day

2009-05-20T05:13:00.000-07:00

I usually suggest a good or bad beer to drink, but last night I tried a pretty good Vitamin Water called Tranquilo. I'm a big fan of Vitamin Water, even though I think the "funny" little commentaries they write on the label are really dumb. I am not sure if Tranquilo is new or not, but it is the first time I have seen it in Suburban Station. I bought it, and I liked. It is made with Pineapple and Tamarind, which I think is pretty neat, even if I haven't a clue what Tamarind is. I think if you added rum, you'd have a pretty good Mai Tai aka Local Drink.

Bonus:

Here is James Miller's picture of "Blu Tack Man" from the BBC Tiny Photo gallery

Born to Run by Christopher McDougall

2009-05-15T11:02:00.001-07:00

Pickles woke me up at oh I don't know 4:50 or so. Woke up completely at 5 and said I don't wanna go for a run. Sarah said, no, you're going for a run, then made me wear a white hat so I didn't get hit by a car. The plan worked, and I wandered along Mount Road, looking for the deer hoof that Sarah had spotted on previous explorations. I didn't find the deer hoof, but I did realize that 5:15 is pretty early in the morning and not a lot of people are out. Early

Born to Run by Christopher McDougall

This book is a book about a tribe of Mexican indians called the Tarahumara. Not much is known about the Tarahumara because they live in the Copper Canyons, which is a pretty off limits part of Mexico, because the canyons are difficult to hike around. As a result, there are no laws, and a bunch of drugs dudes moved in, making the place even more dangerous. The Tarahumara on the other hand are not dangerous. They are peaceful bunch, who spend their days making corn beer and running ultramarathons.

The author of this book wishes to see them in action, and while researching, he learns about the sport of ultramarathons, and the crazy people who run them. The book is an excellent account of all the superhuman athletes he meets, the stunts they accomplish (such as the description of one runner passing out during a 135 mile race through Death Valley but somehow making himself get up, and not only finish, but to win the race in a record time). The book is also explains some of the scientific aspects of running, showing how comfortable running sneakers are kind of bullshit, and in some cases it might even be better for one to run barefoot. Who knows what is true or not, but I believe it and I do not remember experiencing any injuries when I used to run barefoot as a joke during high school cross country practice.

In addition to learning about super weirdos and how it's cool to run barefoot, you will also learn how best to chase down an antelope and/or a deer.*

*Note you can not do this by yourself, you will need at least 3 or 4 friends.

This book is easily the best sports' book I have ever read and it will probably be in my top 5 all time favorite books list that I plan on creating in the year 2014.

Recommended for: Sarah and everybody else, whether you run or not. This book is seriously inspiring and if you don't dig it there is a lot wrong with YOU and not me.

Netflix rating: 5 out of 5 stars.

Big Run Day 3

2009-05-13T11:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty successful run during lunch day. I realized that I can run on the Schuykill River trail a good distance before having to return to work, where I am forced to sit in my own sweat for the remaining hours of the workday. Today's pictures feature more of the Amtrak building, the back of the Philly art museum, some church on Spring Garden, and a scary horse!

Thanks

Benjamin Button

2009-05-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Ran to my first Philly apartment during lunch. The apartment building where some dude was shot in the face right outside at 6 pm. Like an hour after I got home from work and started drinking Nyquil. The good news is the guy survived. The bad news is the guy survived. I slept through it. I woke up in time for Jeopardy.

After I went to my old apartment, I ran through UPenn's campus. That is a good campus. Possibly top 10 in the world. Well more like top 25.

Amtrack

2009-05-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Since I do not like the idea of getting home so late during the summer, I've decided to start run during my lunch breaks, instead of running in place in a smelly gym after work. Although now I am going to have to miss Oprah, a show that I have seriously come to enjoy.

In addition to running, I'm stealing my wife's idea of taking good pictures while on a run. She posts all her great finds (such as lawn ornaments of gnomes driving cars) on facebook. I'll post mine here!

!!!

!!!!!

Are you one of those people who use multiple exclamation points when you are so excited about what you are typing?!!!

I hope not ~@~

The above picture is of my favorite new Philly building, the Amtrack building. Movie Mike said this about it: "NIce pic. With those buildings it looks like an anachronistic photo of fascist italy."

I like the sounds of that!!!

Phew!

2009-05-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

I had a dream one time that it rained every single day. People would wake up, get dressed, walk outside, and get rained on. They didn't care. They didn't say stuff like, "Man, I wish it would stop raining" or "This weather sucks". They just walked outside and would say stuff like "Wow, another nice day in Where ever I live Ville" or "So glad I am awesome".

This dream didn't disturb me like one would expect. Instead, I remember waking up, walking outside, and continuosly tripping over the bones from fried chicken. I laughed for days.

The Howling Miller

2009-05-04T10:48:00.000-07:00

The only reason I bought The Howling Miller by Arto Paasilinna was because I thought that the cover would make for a cool tattoo. I bought the book and decided to read it, because I wanted to make sure the book was not racist in case I eventually do decide to get the image of a dude shouting dogs tattooed onto me. I am happy to report that the book is pretty good and definitely not racist.

It's a Finnish novel from 1981 that was curiously translated from a French version, and not the original Finnish version, and I bet at times there was a thing or two missed because it was translated from a translation. Once I got over this though, I was able to enjoy the writing.

The book is basically about a dude who is done fighting in World War 2 and settles down in a new town in north Finland. He basically minds his business and does his own thing, except he loves mimicking animals, in particular a wolf. Everynight he'd howl at the stars, and this would piss the whole town off. They decided he was crazy and locked him up in a mental hospital. In the mental hospital, the howling miller guy becomes crazy. He breaks out, and starts carrying out revenge on the town for locking him up in the mental hospital. At this point he is hiding out in the woods, and the rest of the book is about how the police chief tries to capture the howling miller, even though THM is way smarter than TPC.

This is a pretty great quote from the book: "In our village the retailer Tervola refuses to sell food to the mentally ill unless he is threatened with an axe."

Netflix Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Probability that I will get variation of the cover designed as a tattoo: 50%

Recommended for: Fray Bentos

DelCo'd

2009-04-30T10:39:00.000-07:00

I came into work today and was greeted with this nice little breaking news alert from BBC:

The World Health Organization raises the alert over swine flu to level five, one short of a full pandemic, as the virus continues to spread.

I'm not sure how I am supposed to react to this news, since I am unfamiliar with WHO's rating scale of swine flu, but I do know that a 5 on a Netflix scale means someone loves it. So using that scale, I can assume that the WHO thinks highly of this new flu, not in a wow I loved it kind of way, but in a way similar to someone giving 5 stars to a movie about the Holocaust on Netflix. In rating a movie on a topic that you really shouldn't love, you would give 5 stars to something that you feel accurately expresses the horrors that occured and you think it is important to watch so history will not repeat itself. Although I guess there are some people who give 5 stars to movies on terrible occurrences because they love that the tragedy occurs. If you do this, you are most likely an asshole or the president of Iran. jab

I hope that clears it up for those of you who think all scales are based on the Netflix rating system. WHO doesn't love swine flu, but they think you need to see it and learn about it. It is important.

Now what to do about swine flu. According to the voices that come from my truck, President Obama stated that the best thing to do to prevent swine flu is to wash your hands. I highly advise this as well. If you are a double amputee or a hooked pirate, you should consider staying indoors until this whole thing blows over (after the invasion of Mexico of course).

jab

The purpose of this blog is not to talk about swine flu thought, it is instead to talk about road rage and getting "DelCo'd".

You see, last night, Sarah's lacrosse team was playing Cabrini, and I really needed to get to this game as soon as it began. The game started at 3:30 and I received permission from the work elders to leave at 3:00. This would seem like ample time to get to the game, as Cabrini is roughly 15-20 miles outside of Philadelphia, and 3:00 is usually an hour before rush hour. I knew I'd hit a little traffic on the Schuykill Expressway (76) because that road is easily the worst designed road in the history of modern transportation, although I have yet to drive through Sudan. The Schuykill held me up for a good ten minutes, as I expected, but I still was able to get on the Blue Route (476) and figured I would get to the game about 5 minutes late...not a big deal, I would only miss the mispronunciation of Sarah's last name over the loud speaker.

All was going well until I got DelCo'd.

Oh yeah, while I was stuck in traffic on the Schuykill because everyone on my side of the road felt the need to watch the cop pull over the black guy on the other side of the road, Sarah called me. She said, "Just wanted to let you know that there is a bridge out on King of Prussia Rd, so you are going to need to take a detour." She then gave me a quick detour, because she knows that my brain will not be able to handle extensive directions. If I am unfamiliar with an area, I need directions written on a napkin. That is sufficient for me. I drove professionally for a year, and I was pretty good at finding weird places throughout the Northeast of America. I mentally jotted Sarah's new directions on the napkin in my head and proceeded to head to Cabrini.

As I got off the exit, I drove happily on my way to where I thought Eagle Rd. was...the new road Sarah told me to look out for. It wasn't anywhere to be found, as roads in Pennsylvania are not always marked, so I realized I had to give up looking and start asking friendly people. I ended up at Valley Forge something University or Academy or whatever and found some dude walking quickly. I pulled the truck over, asked him where Cabrini was and he stared at me for a second and then DelCo'd me.

Sidebar: Delaware County is a county outside of PHiladelphia. I've lived there for three or four years now, my wife is from there, and I can honestly say it is a nice play to live. There are three distinct traits about someone who lives in Delaware County:

1. There is a distinct Delaware County accent.
2. Most guys have a goatee
3. They love talking about fucking directions.

Granted, anybody from anywhere loves talking about how to get from here to there, but people residing in Delaware County take a different sort of pride in knowing the best, fastest, secretest way to get somewhere. Which is fine, unless you are trying to get somewhere relatively quickly and you are completely unfamiliar with the area.

So I am pulled on the side of the road, asking this fast walker how to get to Cabrini. It should be noted that Valley Forge whatever borders Cabrini, so I figured it would take one road to get there. Wrong. The guy asks "you know where suchandsuch road is". I said "no." He asked about another road. Again, I said I have no idea where that road is. He continued to ask, before sending me off in a direction with pretty simple directions. Head in that direction till you dead end and make a left. I head in that direction, get to a Do Not Enter sign and only have the option of turning right. By this point I am 15 minutes late.

As the first guy was completely useless in his help, I decide to ask a young couple. The lady takes the lead in DelCo'ing me and sends me off looking for a Y in the road. Oh yeah, Cabrini is around here. You're close. I go down the road, but find that there is no Y. I do come to a T and make a left, but once again there is no Cabrini.

I am now on Eastern's campus. Eastern University borders Cabrini on the other side. By this point I am considering driving my truck onto lawns, while also driving at high speeds on the wrong side of the road because I figure a cop would possibly take me by Cabrini on the way to taking me to prison. It would be good to know for future reference. I decide against getting arrested, get on the right side of the road, and see a young goateed individual loading up lawn equipment into his company's truck. He has to know where Cabrini is. He looks confused. Yeah I know where Cabrini is, he says. Then he asks if I know where Wawa is. I say I do not. Well, that's ok, just head to Wawa, then make a left, get on Eagle Road, then go to King of Prussia road. I say, ok. Then I say, I heard the bridge is out on KoP. He says, Oh it is, but just follow the detour.

So I head to the bridge and see that the detour is to the right. I head to the right, expecting to see follow up detour signs, but there is none. After a good 45 minutes of swearing, I eventually get to Cabrini to find that there is no parking spots in the designated "Event Parking" area. I voice my displeasure to a security guard and park far away and make it there in time to see the half time show.

As I told this story to my wife later that night, she looked at me and said "Oh, yeah, you got DelCo'd."

Scooby Doo Meets the Harlem Globetrotters

2009-04-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Two 42 minute episodes of Scooby-Doo hanging with their good friends, The Harlem Globetrotters. If you are only allowed to watch one episode, watch the second episode (The Loch Ness Monster), as it easily is the better of the two. The best part about these discs is the randomness of the Scooby Doo crew/Globetrotter alliance. In particular, I laughed in my mouth a little when Shaggy went to see his Uncle Nat, and on seeing Uncle Nat, Shaggy goes "I'd like to introduce you to my friends...this is Fred, and this is Velma, and this is Daphne, and these guys are the Harlem Globetrotters."

My one complaint is each episode was about 20 minutes too long. Josh probably would disagree.

Netflix Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Burton Baton

2009-04-28T07:13:00.001-07:00

Sarah and I went to Rehoboth Beach this past ________ and we stopped at the Dogfish Head Brewpub to eat some ______ and drink some beers. We loved the _______ and beers. During dinner (lunch) we drank Lawnmowers and a Pale Ale. The Lawnmower is their summer light beer that they do not bottle because they are too snobby, but it is a good beer to have mass quantities of (over 30 in a sitting). We only had _____ because we had to drive back to _____, __. On our way out of the restaurant, we stopped at the _____ to buy some gifts. We bought a bar of soap as a gift to the people i sit next to on the train (I imagine I smell worse than they do...and they smell usually pretty _________, like they been bathing in a damn tullet). Also, I bought a _________ for my _____ because Dogfish Head is his favorite beer. Finally, I bought a 4 pack of Burton Baton which is a pretty magical 10% IPA that gets the job done after about 2 or 3 sips. It is a magical beer that is best enjoyed while you are sitting in your treehouse (thx to Justin for the pic). It is best to drink Burton Baton while _____ and _____. Oh and also, it is best to drink it to prevent swine flu.

Thanks for listening!

Fitsafetyrope news: Just a few days till Broad Street Run Race. You're all invited to Wanky's house for the after party.

Maui Brewing Company race sponsorship

2009-04-22T08:32:00.001-07:00

Garrett,

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I wanted to let you know that I did eventually end up getting some Coconut Porter (as well as some more Bikini Blonde) shortly after receiving your email this past November. My wife and I visited her brother and his wife this past Thanksgiving. They live somewhere near San Francisco, and they took us to the wonderful beer store chain known as BevMo, where we are happy to say we were able to find the Coconut Porter...although it was hard to find as it was sort of stashed on a top shelf. I had to climb the shelves to get the beers, which drew quite the crowd. When asked what I was doing, I didn't answer, but simply shoved cans of Coconut Porters into peoples carts. One bearded beer snob said "Coconut Porter?!" He was obviously hooked.

For verification purposes, I have attached a photo of our amazing find. The beer was definitely worth the cross-country trip. In the photo, you will also see Kirby, my wife's bro's cat. Kirby takes a while to get used to people and he may (probably will) bite.

Anyway, the purpose of this email is to say that I have took advantage of your spring t-shirt sale and ordered a coconut porter shirt yesterday. I would like to tell you that you have unofficially sponsored me in Philadelphia's Broad Street Run on May 3, 2009. The Broad Street Run (http://www.broadstreetrun.com/site3.aspx) is a ten-mile run through the city of Philadelphia that has a large turnout each and every year. So assuming I get the shirt by May 3rd, you can be assured that this shirt will be seen by just about everybody in the race, as I fully intend to start in the front at the beginning, get tired by about mile 4, at which point I assume that everybody else will pass me and ask about my t-shirt. If you want to send me some samples, I can pass them out at this time to the other contestants. I originally expected to finish somewhere in the middle of the pack, but a recent illness (some call it Maui beer withdrawal) has me thinking that I will now be finishing in the middle-to-back-of-the-pack-range. Whatever the hell that means.

If the race goes well, I plan on maybe registering for the Honolulu marathon like I'm Dan Crocker, and perhaps upgrading my t-shirt to that of a Big Swell IPA.

Take Care,

Todd

Older Stuff:

His Response to my original email

Wow, I gotta say I love your enthusiasm, let alone your obvious sense of humor. I’m betting there were a few beers involved too…certainly not a bad thing!!!

I wish I could send you beer. Unfortunately Hawaii law prohibits me from doing so. I’ve tried and got nailed once, but can’t do it again. Sorry man, wish I had better news especially for someone with a great sense of life and humor as yourself.

Keep an eye on the website as we’re adding distribution constantly and may have shipping out of California soon.

Garrett W. Marrero

Dear Garrett,

Thank you for allowing me to send you an email.

I have a quick question regarding the possibility of obtaining Maui Brewing Company beers in non-Hawaiian and non-Californian areas. I live in the Philadelphia, PAan area and would very much like to buy a case or two of your beer. In particular I would like to order a case of the Bikini Blonde Lager and a case of the Coconut Porter. I know you will probably reply (well...if you even waste your time replying...which if I were you I certainly would not even bother reading any more of my belligerence although if I was you, that would mean you were me and then I wouldn't read this email which would then be yours and you should be ashamed!) that it is probably not legal to mail beer to customers around the United States. I imagine there is a law somewhere that says all beer needs to be purchased through a distributor. However, I was brought up with believing Gandhi's saying of "Be the change you want to see in the world" and in my idea of a better world, your beer should be able to be ordered by me electronically.

My wife and I were in Hawaii last January for our honeymoon, and we stumbled into your brewpub one Saturday afternoon to eat food, drink beer, and watch the Giants-Cowboys second round playoff game. The first half of the game was spent drinking, eating, and talking to some couple from San Diego who kept asking us questions about Philly cheesesteaks. I am not a real Philadelphian (I am from New York...hence the need to see the Giants) so I am allowed to order "Philly" cheesesteaks in Hawaii, and I think they were amazed by that. It was a really strange decision on my part as the cheesesteak was not that good or that "Philly", but the beer was pretty awesome. Not wanting to run up a big bar tab, my wife and I bounced at halftime, buying a couple six packs of Bikini Blonde in the process. Long story short, we went back to the hotel, drank the beer and watched the Giants win. The only reason the Giants won was because of your beer. It is true.

It's been nearly a year since we've been to your brewpub, but there isn't a week that goes by where I don't regret not trying the Coconut Porter. Porter is my beer of choice, and I don't believe I've tried a coconut version. I've had jalapeno porter, but that was pretty bunk. Fun to talk about, not fun to drink. I imagine your Coconut Porter is a wonderful thing, and I must have completely missed it on the menu or it was not available at the time.

Also, I am emailing because it is almost time for the NFL playoffs, and I believe the Giants will make it again. As a result, I need your beer to help them win. If there is anyway you think you can get some beer to Pennsylvania, please do not hesitate to suggest away. Keep in mind I am not that rich, so I can't spend that much. Also, please note, I am willing to pretend that I am a distributor, so you can sell me a case wholesale, and then I will sell the case to myself at suggested retail price. If there is no suggested retail price, I imagine I will rip myself off.

Mahalo!

-Todd

PUMA

2009-04-21T12:30:00.001-07:00

GM and Segway have joined forces to create the supercool Puma. While it is just a prototype, it is obvious to me that GM really knows what they are doing. I just can't wait for their inevitable Puma SUV.

I am still sick.

FD, April 16th 2009

2009-04-16T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today I am supposed to FD. The problem is, I have no idea what FD means. It usually means Fire Department, and I do own a NYFD t-shirt, but I did not wear that because I did not know that today was FD day until I got to work.

I guess I should explain that I have a 1,000 Places To See Before You Die Calendar. It's a daily calendar...basically you rip off the old date when a new date is born. When I came in this morning I killed April 15th, to find out that today is now April 16th, 2009! Amazing! Anyway, 1PTSBYDC recommends that everybody visits Il Duomo in Orvieto, Italy. Next to this suggestion I wrote in "FD" (see this picture as well as a nice water cannon, above). A clear indicator that today is either FD (Fun Day) or I am supposed to do something (Fax Dentist). The problem is, I do not know exactly what FD I am supposed to do.

In other news, I am sick and am hoping that the disease is not fatal.

The Good Fairies of New York by Martin Millar

2009-04-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

The Good Fairies of New York by Martin Millar is a book that my little sister recommended to me. It was a good recommendation, as Millar is compared to Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Although I am not sure why he is compared to Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

This book was pretty neat, it was a quick read about fairies hanging out in NYC and a girl who has Chrones' (sp?) disease. The only people who can see these fairies are homeless people and drunks, so that's kinda neat.

Recommended for people who want to hear about fairies fighting Chrones' disease.

Netflix rating: 3 out of 5 stars.

Founders' Backwoods Bastard

2009-04-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

10K tomorrow in the trees.

Sarah and I went to the Devil's Den in South Philly yesterday. It is not actually the den of Satan (as far as I could tell), but it is just another good beer restaurant, although the french fries were much better than the pulled pork sandwich.

Beer recommendation:

Founder's Backwoods Bastard.

It was recommended by Sarah's friend. He said "you ever had FBB and I said nope, I will have that." Good recommendation. High ABV. Aged in oak. Just like trees. Will drink during the race tomorrow.

Ok g2g, ttyl

Tattoosday (unproofread)

2009-04-01T10:17:00.000-07:00

Every Tuesday, Billy would go to Best Buy to see all the new CD and DVD releases. He'd get there at about 6 or so at night, and spend a minimum of two hours in the store. He'd pick up ever new CD or DVD and study the cover art, then he'd read everything he could on the back. He'd then take out a printed out spreadsheet of what he expected was going to be a new release and place a check to each title he was able to find in the store. If he could not find a title from his spreadsheet in the store, he would ask a store employee. If he found a title in the store that was not on the spreadsheet, he would add the title to the spreadsheet, although this was very very rare. Billy was up to date on his spreadsheet.

One Tuesday last August was a little bit different from most Tuesdays. You see one Saturday last August, Billy got a tattoo of a guitar on his forearm. He loved guitars and he really loved tattoos. It was a tattoo of a black Les Paul, his favorite guitar of course, and he had a smile on his face the whole time he was in Best Buy that following Tuesday. He was beaming so proudly that he caught the attention of Melanie, who quietly began to follow Billy around the store. After Billy was done checking his spreadsheet, he went out into the parking lot, lowered the hatch to his pickup truck and had a seat in the bed. He decided to try his new guitar tattoo out, so he started to give his arm a real good shake. Melanie was watching him as he did this and she was amazed at Billy's tattoo guitar playing technique.

That Saturday, Melanie went out and got a tattoo of a bass guitar. She had always been pretty musical, and she liked Ernie Ball jazz bass's, so she asked for a tattoo of that. She got it on her leg. She loved it. That next Tuesday, when Billy was back in the bed of his pickup in the Best Buy parking lot, Melanie decided to approach him. She went up nervously and caught Billy while he was shaking his arm furiously.

"Real nice guitar you got there."
Billy was a little bit embarrassed and replied, "Oh this old thing...yeah I like it."
"Your pretty good at playing it"
"You think? Thanks, yeah I'm just learning it."

Melanie decided to get closer, and she rolled up her pant leg, showing her fresh new ink.

Billy didn't know what to say. Well he knew what he wanted to say, he wanted to say "Wow, that's a sick bass guitar tattoo you got there" but he was only able to spit out "Oh, is that a bass."

Melanie responded by saying "Yeah, it is, wanna jam?" Billy nodded as Melanie climbed up into his truck. He started giving his arm a good shake, as Melanie started to kick her leg back and forth. It didn't sound so hot at first, but you can't really fault them. It was there first day. It would not take long though for Billy and Melanie to start forming some really good songs.

Many Tuesdays went by in that Best Buy parking lot. Billy and Melanie constantly practiced (after Billy checked his spreadsheet of course) and were starting to get some good songs written. Occassionally would wander by and listen, but there wasn't a great ton of interest. There was obviously something missing from their group. They needed drums.

Melanie and Billy decided to put an ad on Craigslist. The ad was looking for "Person with drum tattoo on chest needed for band. Meet at Best Buy, Tuesday @ 6." Three Tuesdays went by with no drummers showing up. Melanie and Billy were a little bummed, but they kept their heads up. It was that fourth Tuesday after posting the ad that Taylor showed up. "Sorry, I saw your ad, and I wanted to join, but my tattoo wasn't done yet. I had to go for another sitting."
Billy just shook his head, nervous of course. "What you got?"
Taylor took off his shirt, exposing his chest, which had one of the gnarliest 80s metal hair band drum set you will ever see. Complete with two bass drums and a gong. On each of his forearms was a drum stick. Billy was impressed. "You any good."
Taylor started to pound his chest furiously. He was real good. Melanie and Billy joined in immediately, Billy furiously waving his arm in windmill motions, while Melanie repeatedly did the Karate Kid crane kick. It sounded excellent.

More Tuesdays went by, and Billy, Melanie, and Taylor had suddenly found themselves playing in front of audiences. They would do 45 minute shows, and kids would stay the entire time. Billy had even cut his spreadsheet checking time in half to make time for setting up milk crates in his truck to act as amps. Finally, little Marty Middleton showed up wearing a scarf. He caught the band before they were about to go on. "Uh, need vocals?" Marty asked as he started removing his scarf. "Is that a neck tattoo of a peni..." Melanie shrieked, before Billy cut off her saying "Melanie, be cool, that's a pretty rocking microphone he has there." Marty was not embarrassed by Melanie's confusion, apparently it was originally a penis tattoo, the result of a drunken frat party, but he had gotten a friend of his to cover it up with the microphone. He started to nod his head "yes i can" and mixed in a few head wags of "no I can'ts" before Melanie, Taylor, and Billy stopped saying, "Dude, you're in the band."

And in the band they were. Eventually the band would break up though, because Billy got arrested for insurance fraud.

Ten times telling you so

2009-03-31T18:52:00.000-07:00

In a minute.
Underneath my (zero) toe nail.
Is when it began.
It is dark here.
As you (one) could imagine.
If you (two) imagine like I (three) do anyway.
I (three, again) imagine that things are a little easier.
Like climbing downhills bothways.
Or cellphones that not only ring but also take out the trash.

Like sitting underneath a toenail doing stomach crunches.
One one thousand two one thousand you (four) begin to count
As you (five) take the plunge into the freezing water.
No one (six) can hear your (six) screams as you (six) began to
sink.
At the bottom you (seven) notice that you (eight) are no longer cold.
You (nine) can breath and you (nein) can also speak German.
Not the Queen's German. But you (ten) already knew that.

Ten little Indians, counting in their teepees
Nine little bear cubs, eating all their freeze pops
Eight little eighty year olds laugh at such a sight
While seven little salesman sell all their livestock
Six livestocks sold make seven happy salesman while
Five blind mice eat some turds of May
Four shiny tires on Soft mister's GTI
Three shiny tassles on Wanky's tiny tricycle
Two tonka trucks go smash through the night
One uh-huh uh-huhs fading in the distance...

Watchmen

2009-03-30T05:21:00.000-07:00

Watchmen

Words by Alan Moore. Pictures by Dave Gibbons

Good book. Worth the hype. I will possibly watch the movie this week. Jumps over The Sex Lives of Cannibals and is now the best book I have read in 2009. It is also the best comic book I have ever read.

Recommended for Everyone

Netflix rating: 5 out of 5 stars.

No more treadmill pictures

2009-03-27T11:27:00.000-07:00

I screwed up yesterday. I went to the gym, and they have new StarTrac treadmills, so I wanted to try a new one even though I hate StarTrac, so I got on one, I picked a 5K training buddy or something, clicked start, ran the thing, and then it told me it was time to go into a cool down. This is pretty standard treadmill stuff, to have a cool down job, but I usually skip it because I am way too awesome for a cool down. I clicked stop on the treadmill to end workout, only to find that clicking stop once kills the machine altogether and deletes your time. When the time disappeared, I was left standing like a happy elephant, cell phone in hand ready to snap a pic, and while the other hand is hailing a taxi cab. No pic taken. The streak is broken and a new streak will not be started. Just think of it as being blocked from treadmill pics at work. Just think of it like that. I dare you.

Syracuse game tonight. I lost a final four team, but my upset final 4 pick of Missouri is still alive. Not to mention the fact that I have Syracuse winning it all. I can smell the $350 right now! I plan to buy a pretty small island with it or at least some sort of airplane. Or maybe I will just spend it all on tech stocks. Is it cool to say that still? I remember hearing about tech stocks when I was in college and I remember thinking, Oh, I hope I win an office NCAA march madness pool one day. I remember dreaming about it when I was a little kid. Gosh, someday I wish I win an office pool. Everyone will say "Wow, Todd. You really know college basketball, dontcha now" and I'll say "Gee uh yeah, gonna boost my portfolio by purchasing some underwater tech stocks now." Then I'll walk away going "beep beep beep beep" and everyone will say, wow what a guy. Then I'll get to my desk and work extra carefully on my list of all the sites I am not allowed to look at.

Sweet 16hundred42

2009-03-24T10:15:00.001-07:00

Gotta stay at work late today. How dumb is that?!

My entire Elite 8 is still alive which is pretty good. Although these Sweet 16 games are where I started to pick upsets, so it is at this point that I win the office cash or I go to dead last and am forced to work from inside the elevator shaft. The games I'm most excited about are Syracuse-Oklahoma, UNC-Gonzaga, Villanova-Duke, and Missouri-Memphis. I'm least excited about Louisville-Arizona, Pitt-Xavier, UConn-Purdue. The game I hate with four fists is Michigan St. vs. Kansas. I'll still try to watch it though.

Any beers? OH! We had beers at 4's parents's house. They had an Erie sampler that I was super excited for. Erie's Railbender is a drunken favorite. We tried their Pilsner (good), and then Sarah had the American Pale Ale (good) while I had the India Pale Ale (good). Here's a picture of the Railbender. DRINK IT IF YOU DARE!!!!!!

Drink it during the Syracuse game (Friday at 7). And get ready to WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

aurora borealis

2009-03-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

From my 1,000 Places to see before you die calendar:

Entry for Friday 20 March 2009.

"The spring equinox, which falls today, is prime time for viewing the spectacle known as aurora borealis, or northern lights, best experienced in the northern hemisphere. This display is over the Brooks Range in Alaska."

My response to the calendar:

"K, thanks for the tip, guy".

I do not smoke marijuana. I still would like to go to Alaska though.

Day 1 of the tourney is done and I had a much better day than Barry O'Bama. Perhaps one day I will achieve my dream of becoming president of the United States. My back-up dream would become head janitor of the Mall of America. I imagine the JDs are similar at this point.

PEACE!

Bad Mood

2009-03-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

Ran. Wow big deal, Todd.

Split this 22 oz. with Sarah last night:

Troegs Flying Mouflan. Terrible named beer. Terribly great taste. It just got released March 13th, and the nerd that I am bought it on March 14th!!!! WoW!!!!!!

But seriously, Troeg makes strong friggin beers. This little dude was a surprising 9.3 and it made me go yeah that's a good beer. Sarah agreed.

NCAA tournament starts today. And I have meetings all afternoon today and tomorrow. Not happy about it.

Swiss Army Cell Phone

2009-03-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

Caption: The author takes a break from his busy tour schedule to wile out completely.

I generally try to believe everything I read. I really enjoy believing news reports and Wikipedia entries. Wikipedia is a reliable source of information, but I have found some problems with the Wikipedia entry for the Lehigh Tunnel. To see what I am talking about, copy and paste this onto your IPhone search app:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lehigh_Tunnel

For those of us who do not have a neat phone, I will plagiarize here:

The Lehigh Tunnel is a pair of tunnels that carries the Pennsylvania Turnpike Northeast Extension (Interstate 476) under Blue Mountain north from Interstate 78 to the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre area between MP 70.7 to 71.5. The tunnel was called the Lehigh Tunnel to avoid confusion with the existing Blue Mountain Tunnel on the mainline. The tunnel was "twinned" in 1994 to allow two lanes of traffic in each direction. It has an unusual appearance, as the original (northbound) tunnel is rectangular, as it used the older dig-and-blast technique, while the new tube is circular, having been constructed using the New Austrian Tunnelling method, in which a machine resembling an oversized electric shaving machine head was used to bore into the mountainside.

The Lehigh Tunnel crosses the border between Lehigh County and Carbon County. It is the only road tunnel crossed by the Appalachian Trail.

WRONG! WRONG!

My one problem with the above is, I have significant evidence that this tunnel does not exist. I went there last night to investigate the authenticity of the above report, but did not find a real tunnel. Instead I found a real good paint job of a tunnel on the side of the wall. To make sure that (I am really hungry) my eyes were not tricking me, I took my 95 Tacoma and drove really fast into the "tunnel". Much to my dismay, I was not wrong, as my truck was smashed completely, causing me to fly, and vomit, over the entire mountain. When I found myself on the north side of the mountain, I discovered I was in a rail car in a scary mine. The car was flying out of control and I noticed a giant waterfall approaching at the end of the tracks, which ended abruptly. In addition a giant blade kept chomping up and down, up and down, and I prayed the dinosaurs would not eat me. It was at this time I saw the coyote doing cocaine, Yosemite Sam was microwaving Roger Rabbit, while Jessica Rabbit sat quietly on top of the refrigerator.

I eventually got to the mall and I bought a really nice pair of pants.

smile when you are lying

2009-03-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

Book Report Time

smile when you're lying by Chuck Thompson

Smile when you're lying is a travel book written by Chuck Thompson. Chuck Thompson is not related to Hunter S., and it is important to make people aware of this fact. Chuck Thompson has done a fair bit of travelling/travel writing, and over the years he has formed opinions of both. That is what this book is about. It describes all the annoying cliches associated with the genre and he offers some suggestions how it can be improved. The problem is Thompson does not follow his own suggestions. Example: Thompson once worked as Editor-in-Chief for the shortlived Travelocity magazine, and he told his staff that it was unacceptable for them to use quotes from cab drivers. However, in Thompson's chapter on Mindano, Phillipines, home to the MILF (Moro Islamic Liberation Front) separatist group, he relies heavily on taxi cab driver confession. Is it a big deal? No! In fact his interaction with the cab driver is a pretty good highlight of the book. Other highlights include his experience getting robbed of everything in early 80s Thailand, nearly getting gang raped in the Philippines, and playing drums for a band in East Germany shortly after the fall of the Berlin Wall, with the audience being a handful of drunk 12 year old orphans. That stuff was good. Most of the book was not good, including his rants on how he hates the Caribbean (which is fine), the bad rap Venezuela and Colombia get (then he goes on to describe some pretty sketchy situations), and how he likes Mark Cuban. Most annoying is the overall tone of his writing, which comes across that he thinks he is the greatest thing to ever happen to travel writing, which he is not.

Netflix Rating: 3 out of 5 stars (the good slightly outweighs the bad).

Recommended for: Nobody. Go watch something else

SALSA NEWS!

Sarah bought Mitch Williams' Wild Thing Salsa. Will try it tonight.

Susquehanna River/Troeg's

2009-03-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

I drove out to Susquehanna University to watch Sarah's game. While I won't talk about the game, I will talk about the Susquehanna River. I wasn't expecting anything great about the drive from Aston to Selinsgrove, but was surprised in how incredibly dope the Susquehanna River is. After exiting off the shitty Penn Turnpike and shitty I-83, you get dumped onto smaller highways that run alongside the Susquehanna River and the next thing you know, you decide to stop looking at the road in front of you, and instead gaze out your window and stare into the wonderful river, while maintaining a safe driving speed of (at least) 60 MPHs. It is important to not lose focus on the river as you may miss the tiny replica of the Statue of Liberty.

I laughed after seeing this statue, and it made me think of the original Statue of Liberty and what a wonderful gift that was. The French generally get a (deserved) bad rap, but the Statue of Liberty is as good of a present you can give, I'd rank it second, slightly behind a Snuggie.

I'd like to do this drive again one day, and end up in Centralia to take pictures of smokey cemetaries.

Beer of the week:

On the drive back I stopped at Troeg's brewery to check out their beer selection/gift shop. I arrived at 3:50, which was good timing as the brewery's tasting room closes at 4:00. I didn't know what to buy so I grabbed a 22 of something, a six pack of the Troegenator, and a 6 pack of the Scratch series. Good choice. The Scratch series, is a series of limited edition beers that originated from old failed recipes. The type of Scratch beer that I got was the Scratch #18-2009 – Triple Rye IPA. At first I thought it tasted like Fruity Pebbles, but Sarah confirmed that I was an idiot. It did taste like an IPA, a very drinkable IPA. The 7.3% ABV snuck up on me, and before you know it I was cursing at the television as Syracuse failed to play the second-half against the Louisville Cardinals. The beer filled me with rage as Rick Pitino shot to the top of my "People I hate list", bumping Pol Pot to a distant #2.

Syrawoots

2009-03-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

Syracuse beat UConn in six overtimes yesterday. Even though I didn't watch much of the game, I will still call it the greatest game I ever been a part of. I think Syracuse has the momentum to win the tournament now as a 4 seed. I thought they were going to be a dreaded 5th seed, but I think this win will definitely bump them up. A win over West Virginia tonight to put the Orange into the Big East tournament final will be great.

Here's a beer for your Friday:

Magic Hat's Odd Notion

This beer is made with poppy seed and organic agave. I was kind of feeling messed up last night, so it didn't go down to well for me. I will retry tonight to see if it is good or not, but honestly there is nothing special about the Odd Notion. It's a little too nutty for me. Their Circus Boy Hefeweizen is a better beer I think. But since I was feeling messed up, what do I know? Even if I wasn't feeling sick, I rarely know what I am talking about. Sarah on the other hand knows things about stuff. Sarah liked the Odd Notion. Then she had the Hi.P.A, which is the Magic Hat IPA. She said that beer was a thousand times better than the Odd Notion, so maybe I should have suggested that. But I really like the Odd Notion's colorful label, so that is why it is featured here.

don't forget to say hi to your knee!

Steve Santiso song

2009-03-12T05:30:00.000-07:00

So I was able to follow the (almost) 7 mile run with an easy 4 mile run, which makes me think I can do the 10K I signed up for with no problem. Still nervous about the 10 mile Broad Street Run, but not really that nervous. I'd be more nervous if the event required running with a plastic bag over my head.

In other news I, I mean Safety Rope, made a song about Steve Santiso. I am a pretty horrendous singer so I used the Garage Band robot voice. I sent the song to a small sampling of friends, hoping to hear a "Wow, you're weird" or "Ha, I liked it!" or something, but no one responded. So the song must be that bad. If you want to hear the song, email me and I will forward you the MP3.

Thanks,
Biff.

Uh, 6.97 miles? Sure said Danionella dracula.

2009-03-11T05:21:00.001-07:00

So I ran 6.97 miles last night, which I am pretty sure is an adult record for me. I probably ran that amount in high school pretty regularly, but I can not really remember much about high school except for occassionally running cross-country practice bare foot. And Dan and I used to race during our Running class in college, but those I think were just 5Ks. Also don't remember much about Running class. I can tell you more about Bowling class and Racquetball class that I took with the Dentist. Required college gym credits are awesome.

Here's a picture of my toes:

My toes, aka the dracula fish (Danionella dracula),are only found in one (!) Burmese stream. They are tiny, but they have fangs made of bone. Ralf Britz had this to say; "I thought 'my God, what is this, they can't be teeth'". Well Ralf, they are teeth...so deal with it.

Recap: My toes have teeth.

MusiccisuM

2009-03-10T05:13:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last of the $10 iPod store gift cards that Sarah got me. Here are the final ten songs:

Vision of Disorder: Through My Eyes

Ted Leo & The Pharmasicsts: Timorous Me (as suggested in Mason's gmail status)

Lindstrom: Grand Ideas (Johan Agebjorn Remix)

Kirsty MacColl & The Pogues: Fairytale of New York

Destroyer: Painter in your Pocket

Damien Jurado: Ohio

Cymbals Eat Guitars: Wind Phoenix (Proper Name)

Crippled Black Phoenix: Goodnight, Europe

Bat for Lashes: Daniel

Akron/Family: Don't be afraid, you're already dead

I've only listened to each song once so far, and the initial leaders are Bat for Lashes and Cymbals Eat Guitars. This has to be the best gift card of the bunch.

BBC recently ran some of the work of Hozhaber Shinwary on their website. Shinwary is a Kabul-born political cartoonist who has some neat drawings about the stuff that goes down in Iraq. Here are two that I found pretty neat:

BBC captioned the photo with this: President Karzai addresses a US soldier and says: "From now on, prior to any military operation my permission must be sought!" Shinwary says the president has seen his works and has a good sense of humour about them.

BBC Caption: After 9/11, the Afghan people expected reconstruction and a peaceful life. The reality in this cartoon is clear.

PCBF3

2009-03-09T06:00:00.001-07:00

Sarah and I volunteered at the third annual Philly Craft Beer Festival. We did an excellent job. By the time our shift was over I was pretty annoyed by the size of the crowd, so I couldn't enjoy the beers as much. All I wanted to do was sit down and eat! Which we did end up doing later with Claire and Mike at a pretty good beer bar on 15th street near McGlinchey's/The Good Dog. I forget the name of the bar however and don't really want to look it up.

Of the beers we had at PCBF3, these four I remember as being good:

Duck-Rabbit is from North Carolina and their website claims they are the dark beer specialists. That is good.

Hooker brewing company makes a Watermelon beer that everybody was talking about. Well everybody who was in line at the Hooker brewing company anyway. The conversations I overheard went like this:

"Woah, a watermelon beer. I never heard of that."
Friend: "Me either."

Sarah said the beer tasted like candy and we agreed that we would not drink more than one of them if we had a case. I agreed, but secretly felt that I possibly could drink two. I liked it!

The Blue Point people seemed pretty fun. The one pourer kept getting mad because people ordered the rastafari beer when it was in fact rastafaRYE! So the pourer kept shouting it real loud. Sarah helped them with their table cloth.

Butternuts was not there. Instead some distributor was pouring out their cans. I like this Butternuts company a lot. Besides Moo Thunder Stout, they also make Pork Slap Pale ale. I wish these beers were sold in PA.

And of course, you probably all want a photo of poles that look like bees.

Well here it is!:

Deer Bacon

2009-03-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Colonel Sanders,

I recently ate a baconator at one of your fine restaurants in Pennsylvania. I am a big fan of the baconator. It is probably my favorite fast food burger. However, there was a slight problem with the taste of this baconator. I mean it was good, but there was something extra about it. I reviewed the pre-consumption pictures and it turned out there was a couple of stick figures in my burger!!!!

If possible, could you please send me free baconator coupons? I think five (5) would be sufficient.

Sincerely,

Todd Kurpel

Cold Water Blog

2009-03-06T05:35:00.001-08:00

Friday. Maybe more later. Must love dogs.

?!

Hot Water Blog

2009-03-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

Not much to blog about this morning. Justin suggested "Hot Water". Normally, I would love to blog about hot water, but instead I will just submit the drink of the day.

Usually the drink of the day is beer. Today it is not beer. It is the drink that got it all started for me.

Chocolate milk:

Chocolate milk is fun because it is a drink you can DIY. Or I guess to make that sentence make more sense, I should have said chocolate milk is fun because it is a drink you can DY. Here is the basic recipe:

1. Get clean glass. If a clean glass is not available, you can use a dirty glass. Washing this dirty glass would create a clean glass. Instructions on how to wash a dirty glass will be a blog topic for another day. So if you do not have a clean glass, and do not know how to wash a dirty glass, you can use this dirty glass for the time being.

2. Get milk from the refridgerator.*
*If there is no milk from the refridgerator, you are in trouble.

3. Smell milk and check date to make sure it is not expired/smelling bad. If the milk looks or smells bad, you should not drink it, you should instead pour the contents on your neighbour's yard.

4. Pour the acceptable milk into the glass. Do not fill to the top. Pour until glass is 13/16ths full.

5. Get chocolate syrup* from the same refridgerator. Smelling of chocolate syrup is not required. It will be just fine.
*If you are from NY, feel free to call it chawwclate saaawwwce.

6. Squeeze chocolate syrup into glass of milk. This is the hardest part of the challenge. Do not put too little into the glass because then you are basically just drinking boring ol' milk. Do not overdo the chocolate addition either. Surprisingly, too much chocolate is a bad thing. So please squeeze the perfect amount of chocolate into the glass.

7. Get clean spoon.*
*Dirty spoon can be treated like dirty glass, mentioned in step #1. Dirty spoons are usually found on the floor. Clean spoons are found in the drawer.

8. Put spoon in glass of milk/chocolate syrup, and stir. Stirring is usually done by moving the spoon real fast in a clockwise or counter-clockwise motion. Do not stop stirring until the chocolate that has gathered on the bottom is dispersed evenly throughout the glass.

9. Put newly made chocolate milk into mouth and swallow. (Take your time!)

10. Chocolate milk pairs beautifully with college basketball viewing.

Alternative drink of the day:

Vietnam's "33" Export Beer.

Not a very good beer, but you will feel cool drinking it because it seems foreign/thundercatty.

Happy drunking.

Three X's (Straight-edge running)

2009-03-04T05:39:00.000-08:00

I've used the second iTunes gift card. Here's what I bought:

Blitzen Trapper: Black River Killer

A. R. Rahman & MIA: O...Saya

Acid Mother's Temple & The Melting Paraiso U.F.o:
Interplanetary Love

DeVotchKa: How it Ends

Dropkick Murphys: I'm Shipping up to Boston

Magik Markers: Four/The Ballad of Harry Angstrom

One King Down: More Hate Than Fear

The Stryder: Intoxicated

Vision of Disorder: Suffer

Pavement: Cut your Hair

The two best tracks currently from this list are the entries from One King Down and Vision of Disorder. I've been going back to music that I listened to in high school/college. The mid-90s was without a question the best era in music history, as tons of terrible hardcore bands flourished, and I loved every single one of them (with a few exceptions such as Earth Crisis). All the terrible 80's hardcore bands paved the way for the terrible mid-90s hardcore bands that I fell in love with. Albany, NY's One King Down's album Bloodlust Revenge will go on any of my top 5 album lists, except perhaps the top 5 albums to listen to in Mr. BiBosmo's class. Sure, One King Down sang straight-edge songs, but that makes them even more enjoyable (I recommend singing along while drinking) today. I think I need a three X tattoo.

The Historian

2009-03-03T05:04:00.000-08:00

Haven't ran since last Thursday. Well unless you want to count having to "run" to the doctor's office on Friday. Although in this instance "running" means walking a few blocks and catching the 42 to 46th street. The doctor said I was not going to die. What a liar.

I finally finished Kostova's The Historian. It is a pretty great book. It is probably too long, but Kostova makes up for this by using short chapters. And each chapter ends suspensefully, kind of like each of these blog entries. I'd have to say, at 600 something pages, The Historian is easily the longest book I have read in 2009. I can also easily say that this is the best book on Dracula that I have read (in my adult life). I'm sure when I was six or 13 I read some pretty great book about dracula that is better than this one but I'm not six or 13 now. I am now 96.

The Historian is a book about a bunch of nerds from the world of academia hunting down Vlad the Impaler. The book is basically about these nerds going in and out of libraries throughout Europe, on a hunt for rare old books. Their search brings these nerds a whole bunch of rad, dope places, including Romania, Bulgaria, Scranton (just kidding), and Philadelphia (not kidding). While in these places they find old books, but they also find trouble as dracula begins to hunt them! As you can imagine it is very scary. Well, it's not really that scary, but it is pretty fun to read.

Final Netflix Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Recommended for Fray Bentos and possibly Movie Mike.

Vlad the Impaler

2009-02-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

"Review" I submitted to Netflix for Vlad the Impaler: The True Story of Dracula (2002):

I'm giving this a very generous 3 stars. I think I liked it only because I am reading Elizabeth Kostova's novel The Historian, and this film echoes some of Kostova's ideas. The documentary is very dated, even though it was not made that long ago, and the overall feel is pretty amateurish. I did enjoy watching this while eating Count Chocula cereal. My three cats hissed at the television the entire time.

beer

2009-02-25T06:20:00.000-08:00

My new sneakers are very popular in the locker room. Some guy who did have his clothes on asked about them. "They Asics?" he asked.
"No, they are Mizunos".
"You like them?"
"Yeah, so far so good."
"They set you back a lot?"
"Nah, $50 from DSW"
"Yeah I'm gonna get a pair on Friday."
"OK."

That was pretty much the entire conversation. He put on his leather duster and exited through the window. He had no feet.

Beer of the day:

It's not really that Robust. But it's good enough

New sneakers

2009-02-24T05:22:00.000-08:00

I got new sneakers:

This is one of the sneakers on top of my football cup. Pretty cool, huh? They are Mizuno's "Wave Inspire 4" model. I read about Mizuno in a running magazine, and they usually get positive reviews about their comfort and toe room. My biggest problem while running in my shitty, yet fashionable, Adidas sneakers, was they turned my toes black. The Adidas sneakers are a good reminder that it is not what on the outside, but it is what is on the inside that counts. So I decided it was time to get a good ol' pair of dorky Mizuno's (see picture above). I have only ran (run?) (yeah, run seems to fit better) one time with them so far, and it was the first time I never felt pain in my feet, so that is a good thing I think. I was a little bit disappointed to log onto Sports Illustrated's website and to see Eli Manning's face (along with his bro, Tim Lincecum and others) on an advertisement for a reebok running shoe. I voiced this frustration to Wooter who told me it's ok, Jose Canseco once was sponsored by Mizuno.

In other news, Sarah sent me to the grocery store by myself with a list and a pile of coupons. It was a pretty interesting experience. First I put all the coupons in a little plastic sandwich bag. Then I drove to the store and I selected a cart. I wanted a cart in the middle of the pile, but I didn't want to be a jerk, so I just grabbed one from the end. All four wheels worked pretty ok, so I was off to a good start. I started in the aisle to the far left and then worked my way to the right. I picked up every single item in the store and pretended to read the labels. I only did the run/push the cart/jump on the wheels/fly down the aisle thing once. All in all it was a success. I bought count chocula and put it on top of the fridge.

My reply to PJ

2009-02-23T05:43:00.001-08:00

Dear PJ,

Thank you for taking the time to send me the auto-text for the Canadian seal slaughter. Unfortunately, I read the auto-text and noticed that it did not address either of my two questions. My first question was about Canadian seal slaughter merchandise. The second question was regarding possible PETA plans to convince seals to stop playing with their prey, in particular I feel terrible for baby penguins.

Your auto-text was informative, and I am glad to hear about all the celebrities who have taken the time to promote the anti-fur campaign. I wish the auto-text acknowledged Paris Hilton's campaign to help drunk elephants, but I realize that is not really fur-related and I guess the campaign was just a fantastic lie.

The auto-text once again asks me to fill out the form on your webpage to send to Stephen Harper, urging him to stop the seal slaughter. I have filled this form out previously (I mentioned that in my initial email), so I am not sure if I should fill it out again. I can make some fake email accounts if you would like, just update your auto-text if you think I should. I can have my friend Bilbo Baggins from Middle Earth complete a form if you like.

Like I said before, I am signed up for the save the seal cause. I think it's a good campaign, and pointless slaughter seems silly to me. However, I am beginning to question the effectiveness of your email form. I wrote an email to PETA with what I thought were valid questions, yet your auto-text response makes me believe that you did not take the time to read it. You simply could have said "No, we will not make the t-shirts and no, we do not care that seals kill penguins because they need to do that to survive." Instead you asked me to fill out a form I already completed, talked about Pamela Anderson, asked me to send a letter to my local newspaper and the Canadian embassy, and then talked about some guy dressed as a seal following Mr. Harper. Since PETA does not read very important emails, what makes you think that Stephen Harper is going to read any of the stupid email forms that you keep asking me to fill out? Please take the time to send me the same auto-text response so I can be reminded how great all of you really are.

Thanks,
Todd

PETA reply

2009-02-23T05:09:00.000-08:00

Bought new sneakers this weekend. Will save that talk for tomorrow though.

Got a weird reply from the PETA people:

Thank you for contacting PETA about the Canadian seal slaughter.

The images that show hunters clubbing helpless baby seals to death and shooting them with rifles at point-blank range are heartbreaking. Sealers are notorious for not caring about the pain that they inflict with these cruel killings, but everyone who wears any kind of fur must also take responsibility for promoting the fur industry.

PETA is working hard to keep the seal massacre in the spotlight, and we have launched a year-long campaign leading up to the 2010 Winter Olympics asking the Vancouver Olympic Organizing Committee (VOOC) to speak out against Canada’s shame. Please send a message to the VOOC and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper using our form at http://getactive.PETA.org/campaign/seal_hunt_09.

We continually seek media attention to raise awareness about the Canadian seal slaughter. In 2008, PETA and Pamela Anderson visited the prime minister’s office to personally submit petitions against the seal slaughter. PETA also convinced fashion giant Gucci to remove seal fur from its collections. Prior to the 2007 sealing season, PETA’s ads featuring French ice-skating champion Surya Bonaly (http://blog.PETA.org/archives/2007/01/plutot_a_poil_q_1.php) and Canadian singer Peaches (http://www.peta2.com/OUTTHERE/o-peaches_sealpsa.asp) received major international media coverage, and PETA’s costumed “seal” followed Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper during a visit to the U.S. to urge him to put an end to the seal slaughter.

We have written to fur-wearing celebrities and offered to fly them to the ice floes of Newfoundland so that they can watch sealers beat young seals to death. We have also written to celebrities who have spoken out against fur in the past to ask that they lend their influence to this cause and help us demand an end to seal killings.

Because these animals need all the help that we can give them, please write or call the Canadian Embassy in your country (http://www.embassyworld.com) to ask that it call for an immediate halt to the seal slaughter. We also encourage you to write letters to the editors of newspapers and magazines, reminding readers about the cruelty behind fur. For letter-writing tips, see http://www.PETA.org/actioncenter/letter-writing-guide.asp.

For answers to frequently asked questions about the seal slaughter, please go to http://www.FurIsDead.com/feat-sealhunt-faq.asp. For more thoughts on the seal slaughter and our Vancouver Olympics campaign, please visit http://blog.PETA.org/archives/seal_hunt/.

For ideas about more actions that you can take to stop the seal hunt, go to http://www.seashepherd.org/seals/ and http://www.protectseals.org. To learn more about PETA’s crucial efforts to help seals and other animals killed for their fur—and to find out what you can do to help—please visit http://www.FurIsDead.com.

Thanks for caring and for everything that you do for animals!

Sincerely,

(NAME OMITTED)

Correspondence Assistant

The PETA Foundation

http://www.PETA.org/

Oreo the Duck

2009-02-20T10:35:00.000-08:00

Friday. It is friday. I was thinking about a story last night while running about a work meeting. It was a pretty important meeting that I had pictured in my head. There were four or five VPs, a handful of other "important" "people", and me. My co-worker John "BiBosmo" was supposed to present the power point presentation on budget related schtuff. He was late, so he texted to tell me to give a little intro, while he was going to the bathroom or whatever he had to do. So I get up and stutter for a few minutes until John is ready. John finally bursts through and he apologizes for being late. Everyone is fine, but they want the meeting to start. John gets in front of the table, and we see why it took so long for John to get to the meeting. He was busy making a beard for himself out of mayonnaisse. Then the story would go on and on about how the mayonnaisse beard led to the opening of all these doors. The VPs loved his presentation and gave him a promotion. He gets VIP treatment everywhere he goes. Stores give him free pants. Stuff like that. All because of the mayonaise beard.

That was what I thought about while I was running. I don't really feel like writing about it right now though. It's Friday!

Here's a thing:

PETA email

2009-02-19T10:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Tracy Reiman, Executive Vice President (or whomever),

Thank you for the email about how PETA is using the 2010 Olympics as a platform to raise awareness about the the Annual Seal Slaughter in Canada. Even though I hear about seal clubbing every now and again, reading the information that PETA has provided about the activity, in particular the statistics, still managed to shock me. I have decided to take action and sent the appropriate email to Canada's Prime Minster, Mr. Harper. I hope your efforts are not wasted, and the pointless seal bashing is stopped immediately.

Also, I particularly enjoyed the mock Olympic logo you have created for this campaign (the image of an Olympian clubbing a seal above the Olympic rings, one of which is drenched in blood). I would love if you made this a t-shirt image. I would definitely overpay for one (to donate to the cause of course) if you make them, unless they are on white t-shirts. I do not like white t-shirts.

One question arose when reading on your site about the annual seal hunt. The PETA page states: "The anguish that a mother seal feels as she watches her baby being beaten to death just a few feet away from her is horrifying and can be heard in her desperate cries and seen in her attempts to get to her baby." To me there is no question that in nature, mothers in animal species are protective of their young. Often they will go to such amazing lengths to prevent an attack from a predator. However I feel that this is a natural instinct that has been implanted into the animal species. While it is a tragic scene to imagine a helpless seal trying to save its young from some asshole with a club, I sort of downplay the emotion that the seal is feeling. Do you have new scientific evidence that seals are now sympathetic creatures? Or are you suggesting we should stop the seal hunt because this anguish will eventually lead to feelings of revenge? If a seal mother's anguish is a factor in stopping the seal hunt, we should also consider penguin mother anguish, as discussed so eloquently by Morgan Freeman in The March of the Penguins. Seals in this case play the role of a seal clubber, as they target penguins of all ages. Like a seal clubber, seals do not simply shoot a bullet into a penguins head; instead they are known to play with their victims, not unlike a cat torturing a mouse. If penguins had the ability to make webpages (based on The March of the Penguins, I project a penguin run website in 2013), I feel they would depict seals exactly like you depict seal clubbers. And sure, seals need to eat penguins to survive, but they do not need to torture their prey. Perhaps there is some weird supernatural karma at play. Or perhaps animals generally have no idea what is going on. Do you think that chimp felt remorse after chomping that lady's hands off? Or do you feel that the chimp was being what it is...a dangerous animal that should not be someone's pet?

In addition, I feel that you overestimate the feelings a seal mother has for its young. My internet research shows that seals will not hesitate in eating their young if there is no other food around.

That being said, I hope you do not think that I am mocking your cause. I highly agree that seal clubbing, and hunting for sport in general, should be outlawed, like dog fighting is outlawed in the states. Even if the seals are killed in a "humane" way, I am against the idea of fur, with so many synthetic alternatives available. If seals are a menu item, then my stance would change slightly, but that is because I am not a vegetarian (although at times I wish I was). I know you are just trying to sensationalize the situation to get the message across, but for me you should have just left it to the facts. X amount of seals die annually at the hands of club swinging, greed-driven, scumbag humans.

I thank you for your time and keep up the good work.

Peace,
Todd Kurpel
M.A. in Central and Eastern European Studies, La Salle University.

Baby Seals!

2009-02-19T06:09:00.001-08:00

Notice the mileage...4.19!!! 0.01 away from being like Giovanni!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neat.

I am on PETA's email list apparently. I generally don't give a hoot about their causes, unless it involves shunted cats or owls. To my knowledge PETA has never done a stunt that involved the welfare of shunted cats or owls, so I usually just click on the "el deleto" button in my GMizzle. However, I did read their recent email about sending an email to Canadian PM Stevie Harp(oon)er to stop some crazy annual seal bashing. PETA thinks it is a good time to raise awareness due to the 2010 Winter Olympics being in Vancouvah. While murdering baby seals does seem kind of wack, I always kind of turned my head at it due to the negative seal depiction seen in the wondermentary March of the Penguins. This movie made me side with the penguins. Not anymore. My stance completely has changed because I want to buy a t-shirt with the amazing seal-bashing bloody Olympics logo seen above. And since I dread ever being viewed as a poseur, I have now signed on to the "Save Baby Seal Cause" so I can proudly wear that awesome t-shirt.

Death to Penguins, Save the Seals!!!!

TGIW

2009-02-18T06:25:00.001-08:00

Running really sucks.

I'd try to explain how much it sucks, but I feel that this photo does a much better job:

Regan took this photo.

Nothing else to report...for now.

Injury

2009-02-17T06:28:00.001-08:00

Friday the 13th:

Monday, Feb 16, 2009

Those are the most recent runs. Yesterday was a waste because my left leg hurts. I think I need a new leg. Speaking of new legs, Sarah got me some iTunes gift cards. They are pretty awesome. I was skeptical of this whole iPod thing, but, like the Youtube boycott I attempted, I admit I was wrong. iPods are pretty fantastic. I have $30 worth of music to buy, which is quite a decision for me, so I spent an afternoon selecting $10 worth. Here is the list of songs I bought this weekend:

Efterklang: Step Aside
Explosions in the Sky: Your Hand in Mine
Jose Gonzalez: Tear Drop
Marnie Stern: Ruler
The Murder City Devils: 364 Days
Of Montreal: An Eluardian Instance
Animal Collective: My Girls
Blitzen Trapper: Furr
Cursive: The Lament of Pretty Baby
Magik Markers: Empty Bottles

The two songs I am most excited about so far from the above list are the Efterklang song and The Murder City Devils song. I was also very surprised to find myself really enjoying the Of Montreal song. VERY SURPRISED! Although I guess I am not that surprised since I spent $0.99 on it. They should make a $0.99 bill and put president William Henry Harrison on it.

Coraline

2009-02-16T11:42:00.001-08:00

A wonderful movie to look at. The story starts out real wonderful but it started to lose some of its wonder halfway through. That being said, I still think I would have given this more than 3 stars, if I didn't drop my phone halfway through watching this. The theater was pretty dark and crowded, so I had no idea where the little bugger fell too. I used Sarah's Ipod to light up my aisle to see if I could find it. It wasn't there. So I lied down on the floor a little and started sliding through the other aisles not unlike the Grinch when he was slithering around stealing Christmas. I eventually gave up and had to wait for the credits to find it (and I eventually did find it thanks to the people in front of me.) Oh yeah, if I was 4, I'm pretty sure this would have scared the snot out of me. I'm only 5 now, and yeah I found it pretty scary.

Netflix rating: 3 out of 5 stars

NOTHING SPACE! (a trilogy)

2009-02-13T11:35:00.000-08:00

Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Florida

Mississippi, Oklahoma, Toronto (WRONG!)

If Tommy ever learned anything at all in his life, it was not very apparent now. I mean he held a job, and he did this job well, but it was basically one of those jobs that was so easy a ________ could do it. You could take an untrained ________, train it, and you would have something just as or more qualified than Tommy. It is a shame about Tommy, because I think he was trying to be nice, but man, he was pretty stupid. Basic sentences were a challenge for Tommy. For example:

Someone walks into work: Well hello there, Tommy!
Tommy: I is hole black for three tomorrow night.
Same someone who is now standing within work: OK, Whatever you say there!
Tommy: Sheesh, bobble bort bluuuuuuuuuuuurp.

Tommy would turn back to his work. With two fully capable pointer fingers, he'd repeatedly hit the space and enter on the keyboard, until the space ship landed successfully on Mars.

The above is a picture of Drards. He is a friend of mine who is fighting an unsuccessful battle against narcolepsy. Drards is in the forefront of the picture and he has his gun pointed directly at this evil narcolepsy. A little farther back on the hill is Reds. Narcolepsy was too powerful for him, so he had to slump back from the hill a lil bit and take a snooze. In the rear of the picture is ARod and he has the biggest gun of all. He's not fighting narcolepsy, he just likes shooting stuff.

Ahmut did not want to go out today. He told his mom he was sick, but she said "oh no, you have to go protesting today." Ahmut said, well i'm feeling real shitty, roight, but mom wouldn't have it, saying, "Just go out and protest, ok, your always trying to weasel out of things. Ahmut's mother was right. Ahmut hated just about everything. He never wanted to go to school, or to the park, or to the movies, or to weddings, or to funerals, or to football matches at the pitch. He never wanted to have a toss, he never wanted to have a smoke, he never wanted to have a shower, he never wanted to have a shave. The only thing that Ahmut liked to do in this world was play online poker. His poker handle is luv_Bass_fshr_28 and he was pretty well established in the online poker circuit. He held a few titles, but he dared not tell his mother. No, she would disconnect the internet immediately if she knew he wasn't out protesting. And life without online poker was a life Ahmut did not want to see.

Friday Night Woots

2009-02-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

4.5 miles or so. Had to pause because the gym has been enforcing the 30 minute time limit. Snuck another mile in while they were shooting up.

South Street Bridge Update

2009-02-12T05:50:00.001-08:00

I should bring a real camera to get good pics of the South Street bridge construction, because it is a pretty fascinating process. The bridge is just about gone. The only areas that still remain of the old bridge are the portion that sits above the University City Regional Rail stop, and the portion featured in the picture above...where a construction machine sits. I'm not sure how they are going to get the machine off that portion of the bridge. I guess it will involve a bigger machine. I also don't know why that portion of the bridge is still there at this time. Perhaps it will become a monument to commemorate the reconstruction of the South Street bridge. I also have no clue how they are going to get rid of the portion of the bridge sitting above the regional rail stop. I imagine they'll have to shut down the regional rail for a good year or two, which kind of sucks because that line brings people to the airport. I am going to imagine that people who know about this kind of stuff have planned this all out, but I am slightly skeptical because anything that requires involvement with the South Eastern Pennyslvania Transportation Authority is destined to fail.

Running Woots

2009-02-11T10:08:00.000-08:00

Had to work a little bit late yesterday (4:30 instead of the usual 4:00), so I kept the gym to a half hour. I saw some unusual activity at the gym last night. The treadmills are on the first floor. The second floor is where the arm machines are. There is also a lot of open space on the second floor. You can see the second floor from the treadmills. I was running in place, IPodding it up, when all of a sudden I heard some shouts. One shout after the other. Kind of like primal grunting. I looked up, and there was a dude jumping in place. He was doing real crazy jumps, he'd jump as high as he could, while sucking in his knees. It seemed like he could jump pretty high. The grunts made it seem like he was jumping as high as he could. I kind of wanted to fax him a letter saying that he could just jump at home, or while waiting for a bus. I did not think it was necessary to get a gym membership if all you wanted to do was jump. I guess the same thing could be said about me and running, but I do have a goal to use the arm machines again. Anyway, I watched the guy finish his jump routine and then he headed down the stairs. On his way down I noticed he was wearing one of those sweatshirt t-shirts. Like the ones with no collar. He was playing air guitar. He seemed like he was listening to the Boss, but I guess he could have also been listening to Van Halen. Or maybe it was a nice mix tape. Good for jumping.

I
took
all
the
steroids
,
yes
?

Tuesday Feb 10, 2009

2009-02-10T06:06:00.001-08:00

Took a bunch of running days off. Went to run yesterday and I felt fine. I forgot my headband but I had Sarah's pink IPod. I sweat all over the control panel of the treadmill. It was pretty gross. I cleaned it up pretty good. But that doesn't matter. With headphones I did not have to watch Oprah. I am not sure why people like her so much. I guess people like her because she gives stuff to the audience members. If I had a tv show I'd give stuff to the audience. Not the nice stuff, I'd send the nice stuff to Palestinian children, like the IPods and treadmills, and schools and body armor, so they can have stuff to do while their parents go out and try to fight for "freedom" by tearing down a completely absurd barricade that the other side put up. The side that our stupid country supports. I guess for my audience members, I'd give empty pizza boxes and recycling bins. And a lifetime pass to nowhere. I'll make them myself. Although it's only a matter of time until this nowhere goes out of business. Ummmm

OH yeah, running with an IPod is mad dope. In particular I realize I really enjoy Saves the Day. Probably not going to boost my street cred, but I really do not care. I think Saves the Day needs to put out a box set, so I can buy it, burn it, and then mail it to my friends, the Palestinian children. Other stuff I put on the IPod is some old Animal Collective, Flaming Lips, Fleet Foxes, and uh, that's about it.

Running Day Off

2009-02-06T05:26:00.001-08:00

Didn't run last night. But don't worry, I did drink last night. I was digging around in our gigantic refrigerator to see if we had any good beers that I never heard of. There was a bunch of Spaten Octoberfests. Still. We've had those beers since, uh, probably October. Awful. Can't even drink them when drunk. There were some Natty Bo's. Didn't want that, because I only wanted one beer. Something good. Something I never had before. So I opened up the vegetable drawer and...what is this...James Boag's Premium Lager from Tasmania?!?!?! Don't remember buying that beer. I don't remember a lot of things.

This beer was pretty damn good. It was a lager like it says it is, but it's not like the Yuengling version. This lager has a 5.0 ABV. Yuengling's has a 4.4. I have no clue why Yuengling doesn't have a 5.0. Perhaps I need to write Yuengling a letter.

Other things to say about James Boag's:

-It's in a bottle not a can. That's fine I guess
-I need to buy an entire case because it seems like a good session beer. Let me rephrase that. It seems like a good morning session beer. Finding a case will be a weekend mission.
-I know nothing about Tasmania or Australia in general. Well I know about didgeridoos. And I watched Herzog's Where the Green Ants Dream. I didn't like that movie. But other than that...NOTHING.

I think it is time to start to learn about Australia and it's lovely island Tasmania. But first I have to go sleep through a meeting.

TTYL!!!!!!!!

Cool Running

2009-02-05T10:07:00.001-08:00

Ran a nice slow 5K yesterday. Legs feel like bad death metal.

Gotta be quick today. In blogging that is. When I run tonight, I will continue to run slow. But gotta keep this quick.

Beer Idea:

Butt Monkey Chimp Chiller Ale

I'm not sure if BMCCA is available anymore. Sarah and I bought a case a year or two ago. It was nothing special...just a session beer. A session beer is a beer you drink a whole lot of. Drink it up. If you find BMCCA buy some. You'll be happy with it. Unless you wanted a calzone or something.

Tuesday Running

2009-02-04T05:55:00.001-08:00

Couldn't commit more than 30 minutes to the gym again, because I had to run to the hospital to represent the Kurpel side of the family for new baby 4. He is a pretty cool baby. He was wearing a blue hat, and I said "Wow, that's a nice hat you got there. Where did you get it, Sears?" He didn't say anything, because he can't talk yet, he kinda only just did that baby tongue thing and did some new baby twitches. Sarah and I will try and head over to the hospital again tonight to see if he learned any new words in his day #2. Perhaps we will bring over today's beer recommendation:

Pork Slap Pale Ale!

Pork Slap Pale Ale is a pretty good pale ale from the Butternuts Beer and Ale company. I believe it can only be found in New York. I had a PSPA while visiting Lawler and Maggie with Sarah a couple of weekends ago. By the time I got a PSPA I was already well on the drunk side, so I don't really remember if it was great or just good. What I do remember is, the can has two pigs doing a chest bump on it, and yes it is sold in cans. I appreciate a can of beer much better than a bottle. Some of the better beers out there that only can be bought in can form are Maui Brewing, Sly Fox (although I am not sure if Sly Fox is a better beer), and Butternuts. Butternuts website is also top notch and it can be found here:

"Hey baby 4, say hi to your motha for me, alright?"

To end, I will repost a picture of the ATV nativity scene found at the Windmill Resort in Aruba

Have a good Wednesday!

Running and 4

2009-02-03T05:32:00.001-08:00

January 30, 2009:

February 2, 2009 (Groundhog's Day):

so my sister had a baby this morning i think. so that's pretty neat. His name is Four. not really, but that is what sarah and i will be calling him, even if his parents don't approve.

i ran a little bit as you can see above. those are pictures i took of the run box. nothing really to report about the gym. oh well, i had a pretty embarrassing injury on friday, but i do not think it is any of your business to read about. this whole quest to get fit has done nothing but cause 2 embarrassing injuries and a bunch of black toes. what are you gonna do?

the super bowl was pretty good. while it may be one of the best super bowls of all times, i'm pretty much over it. i will suggest a beer though.

Sly Fox's Oktoberfest. I'm pretty sure it's only a seasonal so you probably can't buy it now. Sarah and I went to Sly Fox Brewery on Halloween, dressed as a Double Dare team, and bought the sampler. I enjoyed the Oktoberfest. So I bought 2 of the big bottles. Split the first with Sarah a while ago, and then drank the other one on Friday. Sarah doesn't really dig Oktoberfests. I guess I don't either, but Sly Fox's was real good. Whatever you do, don't buy Spaten's Oktoberfest. That shit's just gross.

That's about it. Don't know why I started using capital letters when talking about beer.

Want a snail? Of course you do:

Running 1/29/09

2009-01-30T05:10:00.001-08:00

I had a goal to run for an hour last night. That goal changed five minutes into the run. The new goal was to run one mile. My left leg hurts kind of bad. Once I hit a mile I realized I had to go to the bathroom. That made me forget about my hurt leg. After I realized I didn't really have to go to the bathroom, my black toes started hurting. My black toe hurt worse on my left foot. I think I need to get new sneakers. Running with a hurt toe seemed easier than when my knee hurt, so I sucked it up until I hit the 5 mile mark. I probably should have tried to go for 6, but I was kind of tired.

The conditions were pretty good. No weirdos in the gym today. Well actually the snot rocket guy was there. I was running in a row of treadmills by myself, and he came walking over. I figured he would choose the one right next to me even though there was so much empty space. I decided if he picked the one next to me, I'd stop immediately and go somewhere else. He wasn't there for a run it turned out. Instead he just wanted to stand behind me for a minute or two and then leave. I think he was trying to get into my head a little bit. It worked. I think I have my first gym enemy. Unfortunately, I think he is slightly handicapped and so when it comes time for us to have to fight, I would look like a real jerk. Although, this is an image I am not opposed to. I would not bet money on me though, I'm sure he'd destroy me.

One other observation about the center city Bally's gym; I have decided that the locker room is the second worst smelling place in the city. It is second, slightly behind a train on the blue line. Oh well.

I wore my Don't Tase me Bro t-shirt, which Danielle bought for me for Christmas. It is blue and orange so I spaced out during the news and thought about the Knicks the whole time. For a while I imagined being on the mid-90s teams with Starks, Ewing and Oakley. It was pretty awesome, with me on the team we were able to win the NBA Championship. Then I thought about the current team, and I have to say, even if the Knicks miss the playoffs (they are currently a game or two out), this team is pretty damn fun, and I kind of hope that Lebron stays in Cleveland in 2010. Building a team up, like the Orlando Magic or Cleveland Cavs, is much more fun than becoming the Boston Celtics. Although I guess it will be pretty hard to say no to Lebron if he wants to come to MSG.

Running 01/28/09

2009-01-29T09:31:00.001-08:00

Ran last night. Had to switch treadmills halfway through again. I've noticed that the Star Trac treadmills suck. The belt gets screwed up sometimes when you change speeds during the course of the run. It will stop for a split second, which makes it seem like you are going to fall. So I think I'm going to stick to the Life Fitness from now on. Like my life depends on it.

Sarah has approved headbands. I said "I need a headband" and she said "so go get one". There is a runner's specialty store in the UPenn area (37thish and Walnut). They were sold out of headbands. That seems embarrassing. I went to the UPenn bookstore and bought a shitty UPenn headband. I hate that school. But I like their headband. It works so far. It keeps my brain from exploding out of my ears while jogging...

or does it?

Maybe that is what the skull is for. In other exciting running news, my legs really fucking hurt. Part of it I think was because of the treadmill hiccups. The split second pauses screwed with my left knee a little bit. The other part of it I think has to do with the fact that I don't stretch (as Sarah pointed out). I used to not care about stretching in high school when I ran track and cross-country. I occassionally ran cross-country practices barefoot, because I was that guy (kid). I think there was a meet that I ran barefoot too. Awesome stuff.

Last night, I ran while wearing a Fairchild t-shirt, which is an old band from high school days. Since I don't have batteries for my discman or an IPod, I watched Oprah on the big screen while spacing out and thinking about old bands from high school days. My band, Last One Picked, was the best obviously, but also good were 99 cents, Cooter, Lounge, Fairchild, Eye to Eye, Inner Dam, All out War, Fall Out, Beefcake, uhhhhhhh, I know there were some others but I can't remember them right now.

I think I need to start running outdoors in February.

Getting Stoned with Savages

2009-01-29T05:29:00.000-08:00

Getting Stoned with Savages is the second book written by J. Maarten Troost. It is about him and his wife's life in Vanuatu and Fiji. This book is nowhere near as good as his first book, The Sex Lives of Cannibals. That book is about Kiribati, which is an island that sounds like hell. Reading about people going through hell makes for good reading. Reading about people living in Fiji does not make for reading. Yes, Troost moved there after a coup. And that must have been not nice. But he smeant (leaving this typo) his days getting wasted off of kava and writing. That does not make for good reading. That makes me pretty jealous.

All in all, GSwS is a decent read. There were some parts that were cool (the descriptions of getting drunk on kava and him talking about the birth of his son) and there were parts that were not very good, the rest of the book.

I feel like I should give this book 2 stars, but since I enjoyed TSLoC so much, I will give Troost the benefit of the doubt, and it had a rather nice ending, and rate this one 3 out of 5 Netflix stars

Recommended for: People who have read The Sex Lives of Cannibals.

Gym

2009-01-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

I felt REAL good last night running. Real good. I thought I was going to do another 5 or 6 miles, when I realized the machine I was on had a max time of 30 minutes. So when I hit 30, it went into cool down. It bummed me a little, but I kinda got over it quick. Real quick.

During the run, I was discmanless. I think I do need an IPod. I want a orange one. If they don't make orange ones I will take an invisible one. That'd be way cool. So you can see all the tiny musicians playing their instruments on the Mayflower.

The musicless run was pretty annoying yesterday. Some guy who was a little off, decided to use the machine next to me. He ran real distractingly, kind of like Jamie Moyer, and he had to clear his throat ever 20 seconds. He was blowing snot rockets. It was strange. I wanted to throw a shoe at him. I wanted to tip his treadmill over. I wanted to get away from him, so I started running faster. But then I realized I was running in place, which can be really lame if you think about it hard enough.

At one point he accidentally shut off his machine and he started yelling at a gym staff member stating "I saw you come over and here and turn off my machine." He was yelling kind of loud and I don't think he was joking around. He was definitely kind of off. When he was done he did not wipe up his snot. OFF.

Ummm.

482 days until something important.

The House Bunny

2009-01-28T09:33:00.001-08:00

Netflix Review:

No brain cells died while watching this. I do not want one hour and thirty seven minutes of my life back. Yes, this movie is dumb, but it should be pretty obvious that it will be dumb. If you think you are renting a film that is going to make you smarter, I am sorry, that probably is not going to happen. If you like stupid movies, rent this, because Anna Faris is funny. She is very, very funny. I think she is funnier than Johnny. Anna Faris is particularly funny in this. There is a story, but who cares?! To compare this to something, I would say it has a laugh to non-laugh ratio similar to that of Hamlet 2. Johnny will most likely disagree because he thinks Steve Coogan is really funny. If you were disappointed by Faris' Smiley Face, don't worry, this is better.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Netflix stars

Running

2009-01-27T05:10:00.000-08:00

January 26th, 2009

Ran 4 miles. I was pretty happy about the time. Didn't listen to my disc man, so I basically just spaced out. Not sure if I was even thinking about anything.

South Street Bridge (Lost track of time.)

2009-01-27T05:07:00.000-08:00

I realize I need to get pictures from a different angle, since the bridge's middle section is completely gone. I'll try to drive underneath it one of these days and take excellent camera phone pics for you all! Basically they are still in the destroying stage, keeping their two year pace alive and well.

Eyes

2009-01-26T11:03:00.001-08:00

Before I go on and write a really important story, I have decided that I need to spice up my blog a bit. To keep you, the reader, interested, I feel that my blog needs a permanent drinking game. The game is simple and goes like this:

Everytime I use a period, YOU DRINK.........
Everytime I use a question mark, you call up a friend or text them and make them drink??????
Everytime I use an exclamation point, you finish your drink!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get it.?!

Good.?!.?!

ok.

EYES

The past couple of weeks have been particulary interesting ones. I have sufficient evidence to prove that the voices in my head are in fact connected to tiny people. They live in my head and they usually argue with one another. However, there are times when they get along. That is the worst time for me.

One day, a couple weeks ago, I was taking a nap on a parking meter, when I heard the voices. They were talking about escape. Escape, I thought, please do! To be honest?!?@?@?!?@?!?@?@ (throw a keg through your window), To be honest I was tired of the voices. They have led me down too many bad paths. "Oh, it's ok, you can handle another." "The toilet is clogged, but there's always the sink." "Driving is a good way to sober up", etc. It is only a matter of time before there advice is going to get me killed. Escape, I thought, PLEASE!!!!!!!!?!?!?!...?!?!?!...?!?!??!....?!?!?!....

The voices continued. Well we are planning on it, don't worry. The problem, I discovered, was that they couldn't escape through my ears, nose, or mouth. They also couldn't escape through other areas that one would think an escape would be possible in a human body. No, my voices told me, they could only escape through my eyes. I cried for an hour. It did not help. The voices had a plan. It involved tiny knives and carving?!.?!. It was at this moment I jumped off the meter. Time expired and I did not want another fine or boot from PPA. I ran. I ran straight to a hardware store/hospital.

The voices are going to cut out my eyes! I shouted to the shop-keep. He looked at his watch. He said "I have to get my dry-cleaning, I will be right back". WHAT?!?!?!?!?!! I shrieked. Blood dripped from my eyes. I felt a sharp piercing in the back of my eyes. I fell to the ground. I blacked out. Twenty minutes went by before I awoke. I could not see, but it was clear the voices were gone.

?!>.

Runner's Log 01/26/09

2009-01-26T08:04:00.001-08:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks

01/16/09:

Ran 6 miles. Didn't feel like I was going to die

01/19/09.

Martin Luther's King day. Was pretty hungover from Championship NFL week. Decided to eat a cheeseburger, cheese fries, and a milk shake 20 minutes before going to the gym. Was only able to last a mile. Felt like death.

01/20/09

Inauguration Day. Felt fine:

01/21/09.

Fell off the treadmill. Had to switch machines, so combine these 2.

January 22, 2009.

Mayor Shanky

2009-01-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

If you concentrate on a task hard enough, it is likely you will be able to complete it. Such as pressing a button on an elevator or doing a helmetless headstand on a motorcycle. However there are some things that are impossible, just impossible, so I recommend not even trying. These things include walking up four flights of stairs and solo tic-tac-toe. If I have one purpose in life, it is to make sure that every single person understands what is and is not possible.

Take Shanky for instance. Shanky was the miserable, old mayor of BiBosmoville, which was a dusty old coal mining town in Northeast Pennsylvania. Shanky had held his job for at least 4 years and 45 minutes and he hated every single second, of which I am unable to calculate at this time. Everytime I try I miss a few here and I miss a few there. While Shanky did hate politics, he had no choice to keep his job, for it was the only one in all of BiBosmoville. The last job, which was the town barber, was outlawed two years ago, and everyone was required to exist as is. As a result, 94% of the population left BiBosmoville for nearby Milks-Dairy. While Milks-Dairy did not have that many more jobs to offer, they had 7 employed people, there was at least a town barber. So all the fathers and childrens can get their favorite cartoon characters shaped into their scalp, and all the women could get the "Kid Rock". While there wasn't much money, Trichael, the Milks-Dairy barber would often do a "buy one, get the next one half-off" promo.

The six remaining BiBosmo citizens were Shanky, his wife Sheamon, their two children Shandon and Shrian. The only non-"Shankies", were the states' oldest couple, Mr and Mrs. Brown. They were too old to need regular haircuts.

Scum World. BiBosmoville!

2009-01-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

To do anything, you have to be yourself. No one ever told me that, so I am not sure why I was thinking that when I was sitting, sitting dressed head to toe in brown or maybe turquoise, in some scummy locker room in some scummy gym in some scummy city on some scummy planet. I wore a turtle neck over my head so I didn't have to see the old naked flesh(?) lining up single file to get a chance to drink from the fountain. The more naked you are, the better it tastes! an imaginary billboard screamed at the top of its lungs. Its poor cancerous lung. If only we had taken the billboard to the hospital! Or perhaps if the billboard never existed at all.

To do nothing is a lot easier, I thought as I chewed some gum that I found on my sneaker. I play by the 5 minute rule, I mean the 5 year rule, if its gum, its for me. And I really mean that I stuck the gum into my mouth and blew a bubble into my eye, happy that for once I can ride a bicycle while riding a train. This gum seems familiar, I told the train conductor, would you mind if we took a detour. Next stop BiBosmoville!

Everytime I play the guitar, it speaks to me. Not in a good way, but in a pretty sorta kinda bad way, it says yeah, YEAH, YEAH? A little louder and a little more sarcastic each time.

I address this to you Starbucks as my pledge of 5 community hours so I can get your free cup of backwash. I will proudly pledge to read in a library how to open a coffee shop that isn't like the coffee shop on 9 thirds of all the street corners in 8 fourths of the world. Sayonarra, pillow case.

Running Log

2009-01-16T05:58:00.001-08:00

I guess the whole purpose of this blog was to talk about Wii Fitness! Well I stopped playing Wii Fit about 2 months ago. I think it is pretty useless. I did decide I want to run a marathon before I am 31. That gives me two years to figure it out. I've starting going to a gym and have found that I like running on the "run box". I no it is not the same as outside running, but it is a good start. I was able to run 5 miles this week, the longest distance I have run since high school, so I am pretty confident I can participate in the 10 mile Broad Street Run this year.

January 8, 2009:

January 9, 2009:

January 12, 2009:

January 13, 2009:

January 14, 2009:

Almost Transparent Blue

2009-01-15T12:05:00.001-08:00

Almost Transparent Blue
by Ryu Murakami aka the other Murakami aka the other Ryu??

At just over 100 pages, there is no real reason not to read Almost Transparent Blue by Ryu Murakami. Unless you don't like books about excessive recreational drug use, wild orgies, hippy fist fights, and Japanese people. If you don't like these things I would say don't read it. But if you do...

If I had to subtitle this book, I would write "The Unauthorized History of Acid Mother's Temple."

Recommended for Johnny Blades and Movie Mike.

Netflix Rating: 3 out of 5 stars.

The Albanian

2009-01-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if he was actually Albanian, but his jacket clearly said Albania on the back of it. Regardless if he was or if he wasn't, the Albanian was not a very good skier. Despite his lack of skill, the Albanian felt that he was qualified enough to teach his friend how to ski. He grabbed the tips of his friend's skis and attempted to ski backwards while keeping his friends skis in the shape of a pizza pie. This did not work, as the Albanian had no knowledge on how to ski backwards, and as a result they began to fly down the mountain, holding each other up for balance. They were on a direct collision course for this poor widow, who was a mother of three, who was struggling to get her ski on from the recent yard sale she just had. She had been concentrating solely on getting her boot into the ski, so she did not see the Albanian and his friend heading straight for her. I stood there the whole time and watch it unfold. By the time I could react, it was too late. The damage had been done.

The Sex Lives of Cannibals

2009-01-09T05:58:00.000-08:00

The best book I have read so far this year (2009) is The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost. It is also the only book I have read so far, but that is besides the point. If I finished this book in 2008, I would probably still say that this is the best book I have read this year, but I can't say it with complete certainty because I read a lot, and honestly I could not tell you what books I did or did not read in 2008. I have a terrible memory.

The Sex Lives of Cannibals is a true story about the author and his wife's two year stint on the island of Tarawa which is located in the Republic of Kiribati, which is on the equator somewhere in the Pacific. They moved to Tarawa because Troost's lady got a job as country director for the Foundation for the Peoples of the South Pacific-Kiribati Office. Troost, like most people, never heard of the island, and while he knew that there would be poverty, he figured that since it was an island it couldn't be that bad.

HOW WRONG HE WAS!

Read the book to learn all about Troost's adventures and misadventures, as he deals with constant equatorial heat, beer shortages (the island's beer shipment got delivered to the wrong island, leaving the island beer free for over a month), that Macarena song on loop, sharks, wild dogs, disease, and raw fish (which he says is different from sushi because the fish never makes it into a refrigerator). He also describes life in the ocean that consists of avoiding sharks and avoiding twigs, not leaves, that are tossed into the ocean after they were used to wipe the arse of one who just took a poo on the beach.

Troost also expertly describes life in the South Pacific and Western influence; he criticizes all the destruction caused by the world's superpowers, who use the islands as a nuclear weapon testing ground, and in the case of the Johnson Atoll, a place for the United States to test Sarin gas, making the island completely uninhabitable unless you walk around in a gas mask! He also describes the Tarawa's funny government in Chapter 15 which is called "Chapter 15: In which the Author describes the Behavior of Government Officials (drunken thuggery), the Peculiar System of Governance (Coconut Stalinism), the Qaulity of Government Services (Stalin, at least, got something done), followed by a recounting of the Interministerial Song and Dance Competition, when for nearly Two Months all government activities Ceased, not that anyone noticed, followed by t he Shocking Conclusion to the competition, when the Ministry of Housing won with a dance that Shamelessly incorporated Polynesian influences, leaving the other Competitors to stew in their Bitter Bile."

The book was a quick read, and although I'm used to only reading memoirs by alcoholics, this book will rank high on all my memoir lists because it's misery is just as real. I plan on getting his other two books "Getting Stoned with Savages" and the one on China (forget what it's called).

I am not sure when my blog became fuckin' Reading Rainbow...oh well, whatareyagannadew?

South Street Bridge (I think a month)

2009-01-08T05:20:00.000-08:00

Just about done! Well maybe not. I can't tell how much progress has been made because I am afraid to venture past the road closed sign, but I can tell you that everything looks pretty expensive. I can say that everytime I walk past the bridge, it does seem like some sort of work is getting done.

The Clark Family

2009-01-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

It is quarter to 7...in the morning of course...and little Ron Clark is laying in bed staring at the alarm clock...daring it to not go off. Little Ron Clark had an important day at school...well, every school day was important according to his mother, Mrs. Clark...but little Ron knew that today was especially important. Today was important because today was the day little Ron Clark was supposed to go on the field trip with his class to the strip mall on Henderson Road...that strip mall that had the fish store, the Shop Rite, the pizza place, and of course the grand finale, the toy store!...that toy store that only sold handmade wooden toys...toys nobody wanted...that is unless you are a grandparent, in which case you were responsible for keeping the store in business. The field trip was fine, and little Ron Clark secretly loved all the old wooden planes and the little wooden army figures...with their little wooden army guns...and of course the wooden swords that didn't really slice, but the hurt they inflicted was useful enough...but the reason little Ron Clark was dreading getting out of bed and going to school was Bob Stalk was planning on pummelling little Ron Clark outside of the fish store. Little Ron Clark had accidentally pegged Bob Stalk square in the head when playing suicide...the ball squirted down past the basketball court where Bob Stalk was playing...little Ron Clark was the first to reach the ball, and as the rules of suicide state, "You can't move when you pick up the ball. Throw from where it is found"...little Ron Clark wound up...little Ron Clark fired...THWAP...tennis ball smashes Bob Stalk in the head well before reaching the intended destination (wall)...the same Bob Stalk who spends more time outside of school than inside of school due to suspension after suspension, most of them for crimes against the faces of other students. So you can see why little Ron Clark did not want the clock to reach 7...in the morning of course.

What little Ron Clark did not know, of course, that big Ron Clark was laying in bed...a few floors below the little version...staring at the alarm clark because he too knew that today was important...for different reasons of course.